Screw Earth Day.

Up yours, Mother Nature.

Earth Day, huh? My first acquaintance with Earth Day was when Shaq wished me a happy Earth Day in the March 1995 issue of Disney Adventures. I distinctly remember an eight year old (eight and three quarters!) me scoffing at the dorkiness of the name, and I was a dork. In fact, some say I still got it.

Speaking of which, I can't believe I found this photo! Thank you, eBay.

Anyway, why should you get a special day, Nature? Seriously. You don't even call it Nature Day. Giving your crappy observance the "Earth" moniker is a complete misappropriation; Earth Day should be the worldwide international equivalent of, say, the 4th of July (America Day!). No, you don't fool us. Earth Day is really the Everybody Feel Bad That We're Not Really Taking Great Care Of Our Environment Day, even though it's mostly the big industries and transportation businesses that are screwing it up for us.

Also, the very idea of an "Earth Day" is insulting, Mama N. We have to put up with your shit every single day, all year round. The weather has straight up sucked everywhere I've gone for the better part of the last six months. Did you ever consider that if you didn't bring the Cold Crappy Winter of Death to New England every year, we might pollute less by taking less last-minute flights to Florida? Have you stopped to consider that many of our reasons for burning fossil fuels are related to how hot and cold we are all the time? Burning up oil seems kind of appropriate when you think about it that way.

Carrying on, let's not mince words. Recycling is a bitch. Hey readers, cut it out, you were all thinking it. Yeah, when you're a kid it's like free money, cause you didn't buy the 72 cans of Dr. Shaws and the seventeen bottles of Hawaiian Punch in the first place, but you offered to return the recyclables cause you could get enough money to play Pacman maybe like once or something. Now? Recycling is just annoying. We have to wash everything out before placing it in a seperate bin (because of ants, thanks Nature) and then cart it off to a usually seperate facility where they ask us to further sort it by size (wtf?) and type. Generally speaking, at least 30% of your cans and bottles will not be returnable because of a dent or something, and the machine will usually read "FULL" after two deposits, sending you scrambling for a customer service rep who doesn't exist.

Finally, if you (Mother Nature) resist everything else I've said, let this be my one sticking point: Live Earth was terrible. No one cared about any of the concerts or many of the artists. You couldn't even get U2 to come out for this one, and they protest everything. We had to suffer through hearing Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday explain to us why carpooling is a great idea before flying to their next shows. You should've just had The Police play for three hours, Rosario Dawson tell a joke, and Petra Nemcova walk across the stage, and then call it a day at that.

So eat my shorts, Nature. I threw a beer can on the ground last week so I wouldn't get caught drinking in public, and I'm not sorry. How d'ya like them (pesticide-free) apples?
A "FOR SERIOUS" EARTH DAY TIP: Coffee grindings mixed with dirt makes for excellent potting soil. You're welcome.