Tangled Up In Green

It's windy in New York City. After putting it off for weeks, I decided today that I finally needed to get a scarf. As I haven't begun classes or student teaching for the semester yet, I found myself with some free time and decided that this was the day for such a shopping adventure. Insert cryptic, foreshadowing hook here.

I wanted to find something plain, inexpensive, and not douche-y, so right away I knew that Greenwich Village was out. My decision felt justified when the first dude I saw on the sidewalk stepped in front of me with cartoonishly rigid posture and a whiff of arrogance. This young man was rocking Bob Dylan sunglasses and an olive green, WWI-era military jacket, complete with a Gunnery Seargent Marine insignia on his sleeve. He must have thought it complemented his skinny jeans. I debated asking him what unit he served with but he'd have to take out his earbuds to hear me, and he was probably listening to a podcast of this morning's news from Iraq because he is so supportive of his country and all that. I would never want to interrupt this hero as he returned to whatever base in the Village he was stationed at. Also, he seemed like he was in a hurry to get to Qdoba.

I walked up Fifth Avenue on the off chance I could afford something there, but I only can take so many doormen and bellhops eyeing me suspiciously before I have to leave. I strolled over to Sixth Avenue instead to see what Chelsea had in store. Pun.

My first stop was Old Navy. This store has been a standby for me for years, namely because the prices are excellent, the clothes last me a while, and I honestly prefer plainer clothing. If nothing else, solid colors highlight my traffic-stopping good looks. I never found the regular scarf section, but there were a few hanging on the clearance rack and I grabbed one for 99 cents.

That's right. 99 cents. And it was green. Not like a muted green or a forest green or any of that. Green green. Kermit the Frog green. Crayola Crayon green. I immediately liked it for that reason, and the price, but I knew that it would not work for more professional occasions. Still, for less than a dollar, I picked it up if just for the rest of my walk. This was a very intelligent decision.

Having never once even considered the finer points of scarf shopping, I still figured that this would be a quick trip. I was hoping for something gray or white or black--really basic stuff. Shouldn't be hard to find, right?

Well, it was. I struck out at more stores than my friend did when he was trying to land a summer job (Small-Target-Audience zing!). I tried many stores haphazardly as I walked by them, including:

• American Eagle: Seemingly hadn't heard of scarves
• Filene's Basement: Offered designer named scarves at reduced prices (like only $59!). Also was on the 3rd floor (?)
• Urban Outfitters: Would I like to try a shawl instead?
  
• T.J. Maxx: Forced me to realize that scarves might not be unisex. Naive ignorance leads to fear of buying a girl's scarf and getting laughed at.
• Dude on the corner: Did not offer colors that pale Irish kids could pull off without looking even more pasty.
  
• Urban Outfitters #2: Very nice scarves for upwards of $28, which is apparently a great price, I am told.
• American Apparel: There were scarves in the window, so I checked. I was walking by it anyway. Of course there wasn't anything I would or could wear. Yes, I am ashamed of myself for even trying.

So what did I learn today? First, scarves are apparently not just a piece of fabric, like I had previously thought. Even thought they look the exactly same, scarves must have some secret magical quality that allows them to be fashionable where a strip of wool would not be, thereby jacking up the price. Second, scarves are a hot accessory item that should compliment your outfit (they are, after all, #97 on Stuff White People Like). Silly me for thinking that they were just protective winter gear. Finally, I have absolutely no idea how to pick out a man's scarf, if such things exist. Of the four or five all day that I saw that could decidedly be called manly, none were even remotely in my budget. I might be a cheapskate but I just can't part with thirty plus dollars over a periodically useful rectangular strip of cloth.

I might just stick with my green crayon scarf.