Amusing Thought for the Day

Somewhere in America, at this very moment, it is distinctly possible that Stephen A. Douglas's great-great-great-great grandchildren are playing with Lincoln Logs.

Anecdote from a Killer Sports Weekend, and Links

Boston Globe photo collage

At Fenway, Tampa Bay's Pat Burrell stepped out of the batter's box as the stadium erupted in cheers [when] the Celtics took the win. "I didn't know if there was a big fight going on or did somebody run on the field," Burrell said. "Definitely, it was time to get out of the box. Then as soon as I thought about it, I said, 'Oh, it's probably hockey.' The home plate umpire said, 'I think it's basketball.'" (Source: The Boston Globe)

It was a ginormous weekend in Boston sports. Last night, the Bruins staved off elimination with a tremendously played 4-0 win at home against Carolina to force a Game 6. Shortly thereafter, a back-and-forth Celtics/Magic game came to a TV-movie finish as Glen "Big Baby" Davis sunk a long jump shot at the buzzer for a stunning 95-94 victory. As if ordained by fate, the Red Sox almost immediately picked up the slack in the eighth inning. Jason Bay provided what proved to be the winning RBI (it's what he does), and the Sox survived another rough 9th inning to beat Tampa (who have just owned them of late), 4-3. Looking back now, I'm a little disappointed that the Patriots didn't manage to find a way to win something yesterday.

HAPPY LINK FUN TIME!

Coffee may have a multitude of health benefits, according to new research. Apparently, much of the prior research on coffee drinkers failed to seperate the effects of smoking from the effects of coffee drinking, as there was (formerly) a high correlation in users between the two. Just bringing this news to you gives me the jitters. (Source: The Boston Globe)

Fantastic, free instrumental number called "B Minor" by Badman Records artist Lanterna. Reminds me a bit of U2 and some of Radiohead's Bends-era stuff, but just a little bit. As far as music goes, this is pretty accessible. I'm not a big fan of instrumentals but this one is pretty great. (Source: Amazon mp3)

Wordsmith.org's Word of the Day today is dissimulate, which is a verb meaning to "disguise one's intentions". I feel that dissimulate would make for an interesting comparison to obfuscate, but I'm a nerd so... there's that. (Source: A Word A Day)

My friend Todd is in animation school. Although he updates less frequently than I do, due to probably having far more of a social life, check out his blog! I'm biased of course, but I think his stuff is pretty entertaining.

Finally, someecards.com has been providing me with uncomfortable laughs and tweaks of shame for a solid year now. If you're not hip, inform yourself.

There you go. Go get some sunshine, losers.

Facebook According to DF, Part 4 (Epilogue)

Facebook apparently doesn't get it.


I thought that last week's sponsored ads were the dumbest I'd seen yet (link here or scroll down), but apparently the marketing genius who thought of that crap is still working there. It would be nice to live in their alternate universe, where everyone would like to pay a dollar for Facebook gifts. I'm amazed I've gone this long without blogging on them already.

Another Home Run for SNL Digital Shorts

Dick in a Box, Part 2?

Andy Samburg and Justin Timberlake teamed up again this week, with cameos by Patricia Clarkson and a smokin' hot Susan Sarandon, to deliver yet another amazing, Color Me Badd-styled hit. This one's a pretty darn worthy sequel, too. Enjoy, if you're not easily offended. If you are easily offended, here's a cute picture of a bunny instead.

Facebook According to DF, Part 4

The Stupidest Facebook Ad Ever

Facebook has always had a perplexing, borderline-obsessive way of reminding you at every turn to invite friends of yours who do not have Facebook to join the network. Now I know that Facebook receives new users every day, but I have to believe that at least 95% of the people who would ever consider having a Facebook already have one. Additionally, I'm pretty sure 103% of people on the internets have heard of the site and know what it is.

It is in light of these (probably pretty accurate) made-up statistics that such tools as Friends You May Know and Add Your Email Contacts cause me to scratch my head. I'm pretty sure that, with hundreds of "friends" on Facebook, I haven't left out anyone I send frequent friendly emails to. I mean I could double check but... nope, they're both there. As far as the former tool goes, Friends You May Know might as well be called "Casual Acquaintances You Have No Intention Of Friending (Now Featuring Fan Pages for Snuggling!)".

This is why I find the following advertisement utterly baffling:

I'll be honest, I have no idea where to start with this one. Holy crap. Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this ad that I fear I will not be able to adequately cover it all.

Let's start with the obvious. Nobody wants their mom on Facebook. Nobody. No matter how cool you might be now with your mother, whether you're in college or beyond, your parents will get up at 9am on a Saturday to check out the latest tagged pictures of Friday night's drunken antics while you're still hung over and sleeping unaware. I really don't have much to hide, but let's be honest. People don't take pictures of you at work or eating breakfast, so the majority of your tagged photos show you out and, vis a vis, drinking copiously. Also, anyone who wants to give their mom full access to their complete wall-to-wall history with their friends is even needier than that kid that updates Twitter four times an hour from his iPhone. You know who you are. Stop it.

Facebook's ad here almost assumes this to be the case, too, which is even more head-scratching. Notice that within a few words of breaching the subject of signing Mum up for Facebook, it reminds you that you can control your privacy options. You know the best way to control what your Mom sees on Facebook? Don't sign her up for it.

Additionally, it's really nice of Facebook to offer itself up as the medium of choice for mothers and children to finally "start connecting". The social network certainly is more connective for moms and kids than, say, child rearing, role modeling, or umbilical cords could ever be. Great job, PR team!

The person who wrote this dumb Facebook ad has an IQ of 32. Can you beat that? Take this fun quiz now and find out!! (sponsored)

Finally, and I think this is the most obvious criticism, giving your mom Facebook for Mother's Day? Smeriously? I can see it now.

Hi Mom. As you know, the economy is bad, and I know you asked me not to spend any money on you this Mother's Day. I know that the best gifts are the gifts from the heart, and this year my gift is a little more homemade. The card? Oh, shoot you know I forgot the card. That's okay, we'll skip right to the gift. Mom, this year I got you the gift of Facebook! That's right, your very own Facebook profile. Well yes, you have to set it up yourself, that's kind of the point, but I got it for you! Okay, well technically, okay I sent you an email inviting you to it, I can't just put you there myself. Yeah it's like the old GMail invites, except, well yeah you don't technically have to be invited to join. But you are invited anyway! Then you can add me and we can... connect?

Great work. Your father will be proud. Either that, or terrified of what you'll get him for Father's Day (Friendster?).

Facebook, our relationship is a bit rocky these days and I think you're going to need to make it up to me. But for Pete's sake, don't update the layout again. I just got caught up.

A Public Confession

Hello dear readers,

Today I come before you, heart in hand, with a tacit admission of guilt that is not easy for me to bear, and even more difficult for me to disclose. With the recent allegations and, some might say, damning evidence against such former sure-shot Hall of Famers as Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, and the milk guzzling former Marlins batboy, the natural beauty and timelessness of the sport of baseball have been called into question. Children growing up today must wonder if all of their idols will one day disappoint them, regardless of arena. Having been a bastion of truth and honesty until now, I humbly stand before you with a confession.

I, too, am guilty of using performance enhancers.

That's right. The very blog you are reading right now has been tainted by unspeakable use of performance enhancing materials, utilized during a period between last December and now, which has caused the material therein to be worded better and perhaps more verbose than would otherwise be the case. It started innocently enough over the winter, while I was dabbling with the Microsoft Word thesaurus. While my original goal was to merely find substitutes for repetative words such as "social", "network", and "douchebag", I soon found myself dropping the Shift+F7 several times daily.

Things began to spiral out of control shortly after January. I started sneaking dictionaries into public restroom stalls for a quick hit. I surfed over to Plinky for blog post ideas, though I still maintain that it was for research purposes only. I even--and it pains me to admit this--signed up for the Wordsmith.org "Word of the Day" email newsletter. Excuse me, I need a moment...

I can no longer keep up this facade. I do not, in fact, know everything. I read books, I have done research, and I have occasionally found synonyms or looked up the definitions of words I was unsure of. It's not something I'm proud to admit, but the pressure I felt to live up to my self-imposed title of "raddest f***ing Blogger alive!" (undisclosed Friday night, 1:37am) lead me to double and triple check each hastily crafted insult and laughable claim. I've even gone back and edited previously published entries. Yes, I know. As my audience grew, I found it harder and harder to stop.

Why come out now? Why voluntarily turn myself in, metaphorically speaking, and issue this mea culpa? With today's breaking news about Manny Ramirez testing positive for steriods, I knew it was only a matter of time until the microscope would be trained my way and I too would be exposed for the juicer I am. Of course, Ramirez maintains that he simply was taking a prescription fertility drug.

Now I know what you're thinking. A simple capsule that could actually make a man larger? [smarmy chuckle] But that wasn't Ramirez's problem, and it's not mine, either. The opposite, if you must know.

So while Ramirez begins his 50 game suspension without appeal, I come before you offering to not blog for the next 50 minutes. Yes, I realize that this could be viewed as excessively harsh. In the end, it may cost me a few readers. I am prepared to deal with that. I thank you for sticking by me through these shameful times. Doping to cover your weaknesses is never cool, whether on the ballfield or in bed (or in Rafael Palmiero's case, both). It takes a lot of courage to come out and admit that you don't know everything, and it also takes a whole lot of that certain part of the male anatomy. Not that I'm bragging.

Adventures in Education, Chapter 5

Apparently, sometimes I post adorable entries as well.

KG#1: Mr. Dan, [KG#2] just said the F word!!
KG#2: I didn't mean to say that she was fat! I'm really sorry!

Free Music Wednesday

Okay, so we've determined no one cares when I deliver heartfelt, passionate music reviews, but based on the blog traffic, apparently heartfelt, passionate alerts for free music are always a hit. Fine, then. I'm nothing if not a populist.

Flight of the Conchords (whom many of you know best as the songwriters behind such Providence College Special Guest hits as "Business Time") have released their next batch of music for season two of their HBO show, Flight of the Conchords (I know, right? Where'd they get that name for their program?). Among those songs, there is one brilliant piece called "Hurt Feelings", and even though reading the title gives you the gist of the joke, it is still highly worth checking out. The song is funny, holds up very well to the best of their material so far, and is just a bit catchy.

And the mp3 from Amazon is free, so there's that, too.

I know several of you have been looking for a real entry the last few times you've surfed over. To this, I say... stop whining. It's unattractive and will lose you my respect in the end. You're already floating on thin ice when you ramble on about LOST for half of your existence and wonder why I don't blog about it. Don't push your luck. I just may stop hanging out with you (collectively) (verbally) (online). Damn freeloaders.

Real entry soon.

Unfortunate.

One month after the opening her tarot card and palm reading boutique, a local fortune teller in Easton's Five Corners was forced to close her shop due to poor business. Apparently she never saw that one coming.

New Music... Friday?

Each Wednesday, I attempted to review two or three songs that I was hearing for the first time, in an effort to both broaden my own musical tastes and perhaps inspire you to do the same. Instead, NMW became easily my least favorite post of the week, and probably everyone else's too. No one cares what I think. So I'm completely re-inventing the whole thing right now, with a NEW MUSIC FRIDAY. Yep. That fixes everything.

Effington
Ben Folds, Ben Folds Presents: University A Cappella!, 2009

Who doesn't like free music? Nobody (besides the RIAA), that's who. So while, yes, this is my second Ben Folds post in a week, I felt obligated to pass along that for a limited time you can have one track off of his new a cappella collection totally free.

After assembling his favorite selections of collegiate a cappella spins on his own songs, Folds personally recorded two more by multitracking his own a cappella arrangement. One of those songs, "Effington", is available for free download until Monday (5/4).

Though I'd probably never discuss it if it sucked, you can take my word for it: it's pretty great. Having heard it, I already know I would have happily paid 99 cents for it. But I didn't have to, and you don't have to either. Get it for free today, legally, before going back to illegally downloading stuff elsewhere.

Who hooks you up, babies? You're welcome.