I have learned many things during my stint as a preschool substitute teacher. Now, I know what you're thinking. And you're an asshole.
I also know what you should be thinking: what could someone with a college education possibly learn in a preschool classroom? Well, besides "
Down, Over, Down some more, That's the way we make a Four", one kernel of knowledge stands out above the rest. I think you're on the verge of a similar epiphany yourself.
I
LOVE dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.
You feel me. You know what I'm talking about. Those regular old oval ones from Burger King aren't going to cut it this time. You're craving delicious, microwaved dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets just like your mom made for you when you had to
go to bed early so she could host a Tupperware party. Oh yes, that's the good stuff right there.
Somehow, in all the fuss that accompanies growing up, I had left behind the scrumptious refuge of this comfort food. It took all of one minute at preschool lunchtime for me to remember what I was missing. Honestly, I've had a year-long craving for lightly breaded chicken portions shaped like a stegosaurus and reheated for 15 seconds in the microwave. If there's some honey to dip them into on the side, all the better. Who doesn't love fun dinosaur shapes? Not kids, this Tyson advertisement says here. I dream about that first bite into that slightly wet, lukewarm nugget like an athlete dreams of a championship. Like a prisoner dreams of freedom. Like Andrew Ridgeley dreams of a Wham! reunion.
Seriously, if you want to know the way to this man's heart (and I'm assuming you do and were just too shy to ask), just visit the refrigerated section of your local supermarket, right by the chicken patties and the soy-nugget alternatives, and pick me up a tray or five. I will thank you profusely.
First week on the job
Camper: "I have spit on my hands."
Diary of a Wimpy Kid, copyright Jeff Kinney
Today we salute you, Honey Maid graham crackers! Not only are you a delightful and delicious treat at preschools across this great nation, but you represent an activity in and of itself and a time-slot on our summer camp schedule. Sure, you are mostly made available for the campers, but when the counselors need you most, you come through in the clutch, always fresh and tasty. Forgot breakfast this morning? Not a problem! Graham crackers are an excellent source of Vitamins B1 and B2 (we have no idea what these do), not to mention 15% of your daily calcium needs or something! Low-fat graham crackers? No way, Jose. Go big or go home. You provide the flavor explosion and nutritional energy boost needed to power through those 27 minutes between snacktime and lunch. So pour yourself another lemonade, graham cracker maker people, because without your 25g of carbohydrates per serving, we'd have to put naptime on the schedule too.
Camper: "Can you untie my shoelace?"
Senior Counselor Dan: [Asks child to explain the problem, acknowledges child's frustration, reminds him of the inappropriateness of the F-word at camp, accepts child's apology, accompanies child back to the pool]
Four year old: "How much longer are we in here?"
I also know what you should be thinking: what could someone with a college education possibly learn in a preschool classroom? Well, besides "Down, Over, Down some more, That's the way we make a Four", one kernel of knowledge stands out above the rest. I think you're on the verge of a similar epiphany yourself.
go to bed early so she could host a Tupperware party. Oh yes, that's the good stuff right there.
Seriously, if you want to know the way to this man's heart (and I'm assuming you do and were just too shy to ask), just visit the refrigerated section of your local supermarket, right by the chicken patties and the soy-nugget alternatives, and pick me up a tray or five. I will thank you profusely.
The other day at work, while fetching something fetching to change into after a tragic arts-and-crafts accident, the (curiously all female) afternoon kindergarten class was walking by on their way to the playground and the following exchange went down, verbatim. Zero embellishments.
KG #1: Mister Dan!! Is that your car?
Posts
