At Least It Wasn't "Ebony and Ivory"...

I don't watch the show, but I'm stunned that "Glee" could take "Silly Love Songs" to the top of the charts in 2011.  What a strange world we live in.

Shameless Joke Theft

Emmy Rossum (from Showtime's Shameless) tells a joke for Esquire magazine.  At the end, she slips in another one real fast, but it's one I feel like I've heard before. Somewhere.



I have attractive readers! Souped.

Short Hits for The BEST NIGHT EVER

Woo!

Generally speaking, I only use all caps when I'm being sarcastic. Or if I type really hard.

In this case, it's sarcasm because I live in a tourist destination and I'm staying in watching late night standup on Comedy Central.  No, see all of my friends are busy.  Really.  REALLY!  Sorry, typed too hard.

This seemed like an appropriate time to fire off a post.  The following items could probably be full entries but I don't have the attention span to flesh them out. Here we go.

- Last week I was looking up peer-reviewed research articles in the library (why, yes, ladies... I am single, how did you...?) and typed in the terms "student teaching" and "classroom discourse" for my project.  I click on the most promising article, and the first two categories for this article are, I kid you not, 1) "student teaching", and 2) "social isolation".  Yup.  Sounds about right.

- Just ran to the bodega to buy some root beer (it's how I roll) and paid in spare change (mostly dimes) and realized (not for the first time) that (in addition to using parentheses) I love paying in change.  It really does feel like you got your stuff for free.

- To be a student teacher in NYC, you have to schlep on over to Downtown Brooklyn and get fingerprinted.  This is so they can weed out the weirdo candidates that are criminals or bad finger-painters or lack hands.  After the privilege of having your fingers sqashed onto a scanner, one by one, you then get slammed with a $115 fee.  Yes, a buck fifteen, but sadly not a buck fifteen. $115.  Yet, if I had committed some dumb crime like, say, jaywalking with intent to launder, I would get fingerprinted for free.  Not okay, New York.  Not okay.

- Apropos of nothing, the comedian in the 11:00 timeslot (wow, it's that late already) tried to make a joke about how Mexican girls are always pregnant, and the crowd shut him down.  Really.  Audible boos and groans.  Then he makes a joke about how the audience wants to play "The Real World is Not Real" game, and adds a few more dime-a-dozen stereotypes, and still they don't take the bait with a sympathy laugh.  It was almost inspiring, but then he told a joke about midgets and the audience ate it up.  So much for that.

My whip.

- Next comedian made fun of a Honda Civic.  Maybe he was making fun of himself for not being able to afford one?  I don't get it.  I really like my first car.

- There might be worse feelings than checking your phone on a Friday night and seeing no texts and no missed calls, but I'm not sure what those feelings are.

Check out this Dylan guy.  Real up and comer.

- I enjoy having very specific music tastes and distastes.  For example, I'm generally pretty ambivalent about classical music, but I really, really like Tchaikovsky, and I really don't like Vivaldi at all.  A jazz example: Totally dig hard bop but I can't get into fusion.  I like early Chicago, mid-period Steely Dan, Motown around 1965, and one Pink Floyd song (ten points if you guess which one).  Especially unique--I like Bob Dylan's latest stuff way, way better than his famous stuff (except "Just Like A Woman"--which is awesome).

"Sorry that my carrots are limp."

- There have been so many previews for "No Strings Attached" that I feel like I've seen 30-40 minutes of the film.  It's this year's "Dinner for Schmucks" or "Due Date" in that it is so overexposed already, there can't be anything left in the film worth seeing.  Not that I was going to see it anyway.  This is too bad, because I find Ludacris to be a legitimately funny actor. Or at least a funny dude.

- Great joke that's worth repeating:
Q:  What happens when you play a country song backwards?
A:  He gets his dog back, his truck back, and his girl back.

Wow, I just live-blogged a night on the couch.  So proud.  Goodnight, more popular people.

Limited or No Connectivity, Part III

When going online is a chore, giving out my email address is a pretty useless gesture.  My poor response time will most definitely lead to hurt feelings and possible reprisal via mocha lattes thrown at my head.  Yet I cannot shake the growing terror I feel when I remember that the parents of all 21 of my campers have my cell phone number now.

Some Crappy Haiku / Copied From My Other Blog / And Recycled Here

Ever feel awkward

When you've drank more or less than

your friends? Cause I do.

As you read this, I'm

Breaking my resolution

To write better stuff.

If I'd my druthers

I would run around barefoot

And play in the sand

Don't you hate it when

You meet paid professionals

Who suck at their job?

Standing by the door

You stop to fix your sun dress.

I'm checkin' you out.

Yeah I hate it when

You come home from work and you

Still have work. What gives?

Someone should look at

Truth in Advertising Law

And let Best Buy know.

Bad luck is just that

Black cat climbing the ladder

Up a house of cards.

If I write haiku

But then nobody reads it

Is it really there? 

Fun note!  I learned recently that haiku is composed of moras and not necessarily syllables.  I do not understand moras, but if you took any of these haiku seriously, then shame on you.  And, also, thanks.

24

Illustration by Nedroid

Not sure, but I think I just had the lamest birthday ever.  Guess I'm a grown-up now.  Crap, when did that happen?

An Open Letter to the Nigerian Email Scam Artist Posing as a Reputable NYC Landlord Who Woke Up This Morning To Find His Inbox Swamped with Dozens of Hilariously Annoying Email Subscriptions and Text Message Alerts, All Addressed to a Certain "Dr. Fake McScammypants"

You're welcome.
Love, Dan

Adventures in Education, Chapter 16

The administration at my student teaching site asked us to create a homework packet or research project assignment for our students for the public school spring break last week.  As a part of our unit on Night by Elie Wiesel, I asked students to select one of four project options for their research on Holocaust history.

Option #3 was a series of creative writing journals detailing, with some historical accuracy, daily life in the ghetto for an "undesirable".  I apparently did not specify that I meant the Warsaw ghetto, and I am currently reading through journal entries describing life in Bushwick, Brooklyn, and Hunts Point in the Bronx.

Tomorrow's class will be featuring a "teachable moment".  I'm still learning things, too.

Help Me Get Lunch, Friends

There is a restaurant nearby called Project Sandwich, and they are asking for sandwich submissions. You can see the list and vote or die here.

Naturally I am hungry and anticipate getting free food so please consider the issues, place a sign in your front lawn, and go vote for "The Upper-Middle Class Pilgrim"--the sandwich that is about to take Manhattan by storm, kind of like the rain just did.

"The Upper-Middle Class Pilgrim" Sandwich

1 Serving of Smoked Turkey

A Few Slices of Ham

Two Strips of Bacon

Cranberry Mustard

Served on Potato Bread

w/Cape Cod Potato Chips

Feel free to submit your own recipe as well, if you are looking to snag second place.  I really think that having my own sandwich will be the difference maker and I will finally have lots of friends.

An Attempt to Single Out My Huge Fan from Mountain View, California

Hello, Mountain View, California!!!!!

Many of you will wonder why I'm offering this salute to this quaint little village of 70,780.  As it turns out (and yes, I get statistics on such things), I've received quite a few hits from this town, which perhaps not coincidentally is where Google is based.  In an effort to find out if I have a stalker (and find out if said stalker is a gorgeous, 22-year-old brunette with brown eyes standing about 5'5"), I am reaching out to said creepshow who seems to be stalking my blog.

At any rate, hi.  My name is Dan.  I am impressed by your taste in comedic blog writing, since you've come to the greatest source for blog-o-comedy on the Internets.  For those of you who fall into a category I just created called "Not my stalker from Mountain View, California", you might be thinking: "Hey, this entry is irrelevant to me!!".  And you'd be right, except for the fact that this stalker that I may or may not have might in fact be my future wife, and thus an integral part of my blogging experience from 2013 onward.  I'm just saying.  If she is, I'd like to give her enough time to break into the world of hiLARious comedic blogging so she can be up to snuff when I have to introduce her to my mom.

And so, dear future wife from MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA, I am very happy to have artificially met you.  Please get in touch with me soon.  I'd be more than happy to leave my current girlfriend, "Beer".

Don't Call It A Comeback!

Two reasons for that:
1) It's too early to tell
2) It probably isn't one; I've just always wanted to say that

photo credit: CNN/SI

I would wager that 65% of all blog posts are posts apologizing for the lack of posts, which means that they help alleviate their own raison d'etre but not by a lot.

At any rate, I'll add substance to this post by mentioning that I would favor a cruel and unusual punishment for anyone who takes up the whole sidewalk while walking, especially if they stop abruptly.  I'm thinking that they should have to listen to "Party in the U.S.A." once or twice.

Okay, that's a bit excessive.  It's good to be back.

Dude, That's Nuts

There is absolutely no way that the inspiration for this product did not happen on a Friday night in the backseat of a '57 Camaro.

A Cut Above

Today's Greatest Idea Ever (TM): A lawnmower that runs on grass clippings. Think about it. Oh yeah. Don't act like you're not impressed.

A Decaf Post

A "decaf" post means "lower your expectations".

As I finish my decaf Cafe Americano (decaficano?), it occurs to me how apropos the recipe for this drink is (at least in its caffeinated version). Espresso and hot water. Straight and to the point. Wake me the hell up, now. Seems to fit with the international perception of the busy, business-first, socially inept American, no? I think they should explore this line of thinking further with other coffee options. Picture this S'bucks menu:

Cafe Red State
Espresso & cream, kept seperate but Equal™.

Cafe Blue State
Five-bean blend, but in smaller cups that everyone gets for free.

Cafe Canadiano
Similar to Cafe Americano but weaker and served cold.

Cafe Franco
Similar to Cafe Canadiano but weaker and a bit fruity.

Cafe Anglo
Stale Cafe Americano, leaves all three teeth stained.

Cafe Eire
40% ABV

Cafe South Africano
see Cafe Red State

Cafe Somaliano
Delicious imported blend stolen from you while walking on the sidewalk.

Cafe Iraqi
Anyone who claims that indigestion is not a weapon of mass destruction is a damned dirty liar.

Cafe Ruskie
Sludge. Silty, delicious sludge. No, I've had it, that's what it is. *formerly known as Cafe Communiccino

Cafe Sarku Japan
Cat.

Thoughts I Thought I Thought

Round 1: Food is way too expensive. Why can't I feed myself for like $3? I don't care what anyone says; we don't have socialism until I don't have to shell out $8.50 for a sandwich and a drink.

Round 2: If the grocery store across the street continues to sell "Milwalkee Best" for $3.99 a six-pack, I am going to develop a taste for "Milwalkee Best".

Round 3: One-way streets are fantastic for pedestrians. All cities should be like this.

Round 4: WHY do we have to still buy textbooks for school? We already have things like Netflix and Kindle. Is it unreasonable to come up with some form of renting textbooks? I don't want to own most of these anyway! Then you sell back a book in the exact same condition cause you barely used it and you get maybe 20% of what you paid for it. Why do we put up with this? Ridiculous.

Round 5: Hello, future employers! And thank you for stalking me. If you're looking for a context to put my blog in, please know that, in the future, I will refer to this period of my life as when I was trying to "find myself".

Round 6: I am so impressed with the stuff I haven't done yet.

Round 7: I'm also the most modest person I know. Ask me about my humility sometime!

Weekends and Odds

• Today at a red light, I saw a truck driver from a parked Bob's Discount Furniture delivery truck chasing one of our local wild turkeys through a gas station. Sure, he could have just called Animal Control, but I'd like to commend the dude from Bob's for cutting out the middleman (and passing on the savings to us).
• Speaking of South Easton's wild turkeys, they're starting to walk around like they own the place. I'm not sure I've ever seen an animal strut as much as they do. I was reading on the patio last week and the four that live in our woods came out and walked right by me like they were all that and a bag of chips. I think they need a reality check. I might start throwing mayonnaise at them.
• It hailed today. Hailed. Seriously, Mother Nature? Go sit on an upside-down stool.
• On the iTunes chart, Michael Jackson currently has eight of the top 10 songs, nine of the top 10 albums, and all ten top 10 music videos. According to Billboard, he could hit #1 on the album chart and pretty much hold the top 10. If not totally unprecedented, this could at least be one of the most dominant weeks of music sales for one artist in a very, very long time. But seriously, who pays for music anymore?
• I realize that the rush to praise the recently departed is generally way over the top and just short of sickening, but I'd like to point out the obvious--Billie Jean is an absofreakinlutely phenomenal song. Holy crap. Say what you want about the man, but if that isn't the perfect pop song, I don't know what is. If they had just released the bassline in 1982, I'm pretty sure it would've been #1 for weeks.
• Finally, I can honestly say I prefer Michael Bay's Verizon Wireless commercial to his Transformers 2. It's not even close.

That's all I've got, losers. Now hurry up, it's already 6:30! Time to go get dressed up and pregame so you can still come home alone tonight.