Checking In

I once wrote a very eloquent post about how most blog posts are posts apologizing for the lack of posts. I even successfully used raison d'etre in a sentence.  You should go read it; you'd love it!

Shown: Approximate size of RI.

This morning I find myself at a Starbucks in Providence, Rhode Island, a place where I have many memories, and a few nights without memories.  I used to come to this particular shop to unwind before my work study job at a nearby museum, as well as to get some work done when I used to do adorable things like write papers about literature.  Having woke up in Brooklyn this morning at 5 for a 7:10 bus out of Penn Station, Rhode Island at 10:30 strikes me as quaint in its littleness.  It's like it thinks it's a state or something.

None of these things matter to you, however, because you didn't come here for that.  You came here hoping to find out why I haven't posted lately, and I don't blame you.  Being a student teacher is hard.  Parent teacher conferences, disciplinary actions, and grades are all hard enough, but painstakingly crafting original exams and watching your class bomb them in front of you after a month of study and two days of review might be the most discouraging thing ever.

Hey, how do you feel about
stock photos? I'm for 'em.

At the very least, my 7th graders are killing it with vocabulary units and I couldn't be more jazzed.  Gradually I've been able to appear as less square-ish of a teacher, which is exciting.  Despite anything you've heard, most teachers would, in fact, like their students to think that they are cool, if all other things are equal.  Sure, teachers aren't supposed to be their students' friends and there is work to be done.  Still, holding back the perfectly timed joke is like looking at delicious red velvet cake without eating it.

Ah, but I've wandered into things that no one cares about again.  Coming back around to this blog, my blogging will probably pick up substantially in January, but in the meantime, it's a slow drip.  Enjoy your Thanksgiving and please tell all of your female friends about me.  I'm available and I'm a snappy dresser.

An Attempt to Single Out My Huge Fan from Mountain View, California

Hello, Mountain View, California!!!!!

Many of you will wonder why I'm offering this salute to this quaint little village of 70,780.  As it turns out (and yes, I get statistics on such things), I've received quite a few hits from this town, which perhaps not coincidentally is where Google is based.  In an effort to find out if I have a stalker (and find out if said stalker is a gorgeous, 22-year-old brunette with brown eyes standing about 5'5"), I am reaching out to said creepshow who seems to be stalking my blog.

At any rate, hi.  My name is Dan.  I am impressed by your taste in comedic blog writing, since you've come to the greatest source for blog-o-comedy on the Internets.  For those of you who fall into a category I just created called "Not my stalker from Mountain View, California", you might be thinking: "Hey, this entry is irrelevant to me!!".  And you'd be right, except for the fact that this stalker that I may or may not have might in fact be my future wife, and thus an integral part of my blogging experience from 2013 onward.  I'm just saying.  If she is, I'd like to give her enough time to break into the world of hiLARious comedic blogging so she can be up to snuff when I have to introduce her to my mom.

And so, dear future wife from MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA, I am very happy to have artificially met you.  Please get in touch with me soon.  I'd be more than happy to leave my current girlfriend, "Beer".

Don't Call It A Comeback!

Two reasons for that:
1) It's too early to tell
2) It probably isn't one; I've just always wanted to say that

photo credit: CNN/SI

I would wager that 65% of all blog posts are posts apologizing for the lack of posts, which means that they help alleviate their own raison d'etre but not by a lot.

At any rate, I'll add substance to this post by mentioning that I would favor a cruel and unusual punishment for anyone who takes up the whole sidewalk while walking, especially if they stop abruptly.  I'm thinking that they should have to listen to "Party in the U.S.A." once or twice.

Okay, that's a bit excessive.  It's good to be back.

Hello

Sometimes it is really hard to keep up with a blog.  When you see it as an extension of yourself, and then you are forced to neglect it for long periods of time while you tend to your own real life (Existance 1.0), you feel as if something is missing.  Then, when you return, you feel as if the vitality and the creative spring that used to be there is dried up, gone, something from yesterday that didn't survive.

I think of things to write every single day, and I want to get them down.  Yet, I have so many obligations at the moment that my kiss-offs to ridiculously obnoxious strangers and my love letters to random girls on the 1 train never seem to materialize.  I then wonder if it really matters; do I only write for me?  That might be the only reason.  This entry is uncharacteristically serious.

Your mom.

Worst Blogger Ever!

Hello.

I would like to take time out of my busy, busy schedule (actually, it's weird saying that and not being sarcastic) to acknowledge my fans all over the world--especially the chap from Paris who clicked by yesterday via Google Search in an attempt to learn more about the totally-not-happening "Best of 2000-2010" U2 compilation. Thanks for not leaving a comment, Pierre! Just ring us here in Amurrica the next time France is occupied, k? Thx.

Anyway, assuming you are not Pierre, who totally sucks, I would like to apologize for not having written any substantial updates in a while. Truth be told, English Education programs require lots of reading and writing (who knew?) and I more or less get my fill of creativity by making stuff up in class to sound impressive. I have a couple of entries drafted but I'm not ready to post them yet. This reticence on my part is certainly rare; there are at least 45 entries in this blog that definitely read like the rough drafts that they are. This, incidentally, is the 138th entry--a number of no significance whatsoever.

So, what should I write about? I have lots of entries cooking up that deal with music, but no one likes those (except casual U2 fans from France). My guide to pulling off looking like a native New Yorker could be way better, too, so I need more time. I could bang out some hilarious haiku real quick, but the last blog I wrote for had that and was kidnapped in March, never to be seen again. I suppose I could write a quick compare and contrast, highlighting the upsides of the Patriots wearing throwback uniforms for a quarter of their season this year, but I'd like y'all to stay awake too. You shouldn't actually need another coffee after reading this blog.

Writer's block sucks, no?

It would be a shame if my 3,000th visitor checked out this blog and read this lame entry on the top of the first page (by the way, we're sitting at 2,925 awesome visitors and 1 douche from France). Seriously though, Pierre, I want to beat you over the head with a stale baguette. Don't ever come back to my blog.

Big, Shiny New Stuff!

I've added a search bar on the left panel (ooh!) and some feedback options below each post (aah!). Feel free to say what's really on your mind by using one of the pre-selected feedback terms.

*As per usual, photo completely unrelated.

Aw dude, I remember this blog...

You might be wondering where I've been for the past few weeks. No satisfactory answer is forthcoming.

Here's a partial answer, though: Summer camp (i.e., my job when school is out) pretty much owns me Monday through Friday. Sure, I have time to blog on the weekends, but generally lack the inclination. I've been spending time with my dudes and hanging out poolside with mad biddies (read: platonic female friends), and also drinking like I was still an undergrad. So there's that.

Consider that scintillating update to be merely appeasement. As previously stated, I have no intention of telling you anything more about my personal life. It's not exactly MTV material anyway. Enjoy the forthcoming posts, none of which will exceed 100 words.

*photo completely unrelated.

Editor Checks In

So I haven't blogged in almost ten days and thought I'd drop by for a completely unfulfilling update.

Lots of things happening in my personal life. Really. I just choose not to blog about it, unless it is only to ruminate on the most mundane and trivial aspects of it. I prefer to post things that are slightly creative, possibly derivative, and utterly useless. I also enjoy matching adverbs to adjectives in at least a 1-to-1 ratio.

I was going to write a post about Fred the Turkey, one of South Easton's most famous ornery locals, but then I found out that he has a Facebook page (!) and 424 fans already. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised; hell, everything has a Facebook page now. "The Cool Side of the Pillow" has (several) pages. By the end of the month, "I Drive With Two Feet When Going Uphill In Traffic" and "Getting the Extra Cup for Dunkin' Iced Coffee, Even If It Now Costs 25 Cents Extra" will probably have pages.

I suppose it's just as well. I've already referenced Easton's wild turkeys in my blog before (as recently as a month ago) and Fred might be getting relocated soon due to his propensity for attacking motorcyclists and his documented habit of causing fender benders. What a guy.

The Most Significant Moment In Time EVER

Ladies and Gentlemen,

You might not be aware that right smack dab in the middle of this week, humanity reaches a tremendous milestone. You read that right. At just a bit past midnight, the official date and time will be:

12:34:56 7/8/9

If you are reading this on Tuesday, you might have noticed that I arbitrarily set the post time ahead to observe this monumental achievement in chronology. 04:05:06 07/08/09 also occurs on Wednesday. Fascinating.

Oh, I almost forgot. This is also my 100th blog post, thereby making this the greatest moment in the history of mankind. I'm glad you were here to share it with me and this piece of potentially unauthorized clip art.

For those of you who might have joined us recently, allow me to pimp my personally selected top 10 greatest hits. Please stroke my ego and take a look back at some of what I think is my least crappy stuff:

Adventures in Education, Chapter 6
A Very Important Pronouncement
Make Way For Jerkbag Loserfaces
On Second Thought, Michael Phelps Isn't Sorry
TV Review: Power Rangers, Season 1!
A Letter to Local Coffee Shop Girl
A Salute to the Bar Room Tough Guy
I can't wait to be a Hilarious Grumpy Old Guy!
Any Karaoke Bar, dissected
An Open Letter to 2008

Everything else I've written sucks. Don't read any of it. Otherwise, thanks for putting up with me. Cheers!

Letter from the Editor

Hello y'all,

This is Washington Square in New York City.


I will be there all day tomorrow, and as I ponder the massively intimidating immediate future, you can expect the next blog post to be in a few days or so. Grad school decisions in our glorious economy (been a have-not since 1986, yo!) take on an added twist, making the merely unnerving process of selecting a school into a horrifyingly major decision. I want to go back to preschool.

Be well and enjoy the weekend,
DF

Vive le retour!

Greetings, compadres.

I have returned earlier than expected from malware hell with a clean hard drive and freshly reinstalled stuff. I'd love to have my time back. You don't care, but I do.

Therefore, I can now blog again and you can again pretend to be interested about what I think. I'm cooking up a New Music Wednesday as we speak. I don't care if anyone enjoys that feature; I'm gonna stick with the 'weekly music rambling' idea in one form or another. Input welcome.

See you there,
Your favorite verbose but barely-above-average blogger

Letter from the Editor

My laptop is currently getting the crap kicked out of it by the latest and greatest spyware and malware products (from Russia, I understand) and I believe tomorrow I will be wiping the hard drive. Seriously. This thing knows what programs and system scans remove it and it's locked them. I literally cannot visit websites like pctools.com or run MalwareBytes or anything like it because this virus is acting like it owns the place. In the meantime, I've been frantically backing up my massive iTunes library (if VH1's Save the Music is reading this... send cash?) when the computer isn't frozen or logjammed with popups. I'm amazed that blogger.com opened for me now--it hasn't for two days.

You were probably looking for witty insight on today's issue du jour. I'm afraid I will have to take a quick break, but I do hope I'll be rambling in this space once again come Friday-ish. Incidentally, if you are at Providence College this Saturday, I heard the alumni a cappella concert (4pm, Blackfriars) is gonna be off the hook. Special Guest is also releasing their sixth CD, Black and Tan (about damn time!), most of which we recorded in May of '07. We were busy, get over it.

I hope everyone's well. A big hello to my recent international visitors, whoever you are, and sorry to inadvertantly confirm many of your opinions about Americans. And if you hail from anywhere near Moscow and know where Bakasoftware does business, please firebomb them into the Stone Age.