Adventures in Education, Chapter 6

I have learned many things during my stint as a preschool substitute teacher. Now, I know what you're thinking. And you're an asshole.

I also know what you should be thinking: what could someone with a college education possibly learn in a preschool classroom? Well, besides "Down, Over, Down some more, That's the way we make a Four", one kernel of knowledge stands out above the rest. I think you're on the verge of a similar epiphany yourself.

I LOVE dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.

You feel me. You know what I'm talking about. Those regular old oval ones from Burger King aren't going to cut it this time. You're craving delicious, microwaved dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets just like your mom made for you when you had to go to bed early so she could host a Tupperware party. Oh yes, that's the good stuff right there.

Somehow, in all the fuss that accompanies growing up, I had left behind the scrumptious refuge of this comfort food. It took all of one minute at preschool lunchtime for me to remember what I was missing. Honestly, I've had a year-long craving for lightly breaded chicken portions shaped like a stegosaurus and reheated for 15 seconds in the microwave. If there's some honey to dip them into on the side, all the better. Who doesn't love fun dinosaur shapes? Not kids, this Tyson advertisement says here. I dream about that first bite into that slightly wet, lukewarm nugget like an athlete dreams of a championship. Like a prisoner dreams of freedom. Like Andrew Ridgeley dreams of a Wham! reunion.

Seriously, if you want to know the way to this man's heart (and I'm assuming you do and were just too shy to ask), just visit the refrigerated section of your local supermarket, right by the chicken patties and the soy-nugget alternatives, and pick me up a tray or five. I will thank you profusely.