Friday, February 12, 2010

An Open Letter to the Guy In Front of Me in the Metal Detector Line at my Student Teaching Site

Editor's note:  I have decided that this entry served its purpose--anonymously belittling a self-important loser--and I will be deleting it.  It's too negative to sit here at what is currently the top of my blog.  For a better example of how to make a small person feel smaller, please consult my Salute to the Bar Room Tough Guy.

I'll write more here soon.  In the meantime, you'll just wait and you'll like it, capiche?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Sometimes it is really hard to keep up with a blog.  When you see it as an extension of yourself, and then you are forced to neglect it for long periods of time while you tend to your own real life (Existance 1.0), you feel as if something is missing.  Then, when you return, you feel as if the vitality and the creative spring that used to be there is dried up, gone, something from yesterday that didn't survive.

I think of things to write every single day, and I want to get them down.  Yet, I have so many obligations at the moment that my kiss-offs to ridiculously obnoxious strangers and my love letters to random girls on the 1 train never seem to materialize.  I then wonder if it really matters; do I only write for me?  That might be the only reason.  This entry is uncharacteristically serious.

Your mom.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dude, That's Nuts

There is absolutely no way that the inspiration for this product did not happen on a Friday night in the backseat of a '57 Camaro.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Brit Brit

Setting: an LA studio, early 2008

Producer:  Okay Britney, we need one more song and we've got ourselves an album. You got anything?
Britney:  You know, I was listening to the radio in the car and I had this genius idea.  It's totally our first single.  I wrote it down and this is going to change the game.
Producer:  W-Wait, really?  Seriously?  Well all right!  Let's see what you've got.
Britney:  Ok. I'm thinking a pulsing, mid-tempo, edgy dance number...
Producer: So far, so good...
Britney: ...and it's kind of a kiss-off to a player...
Producer: ...I'm liking it...
Britney: ...and I think I'm gonna call it "Womanizer", which goes along with the whole robotic dance sound. It's this word that I heard the other day and it really stuck with me, and I think it could mean a lot for girls today who are tired of being played.
Producer:  Great!!  Wow, this could be really something!  Alright, step up to the mic and let's record some of this while it's still fresh!
Britney: Okay, here goes.  [Singing] "Womanizer, womanizer, you're a womanizer oh, womanizer, womanizer you're a womanizer baby you you you are, you you you are, womanizer, womanizer, he's a womanizer she's a womanizer we're all womanizers Bob's a womanizer womanizer baby oh womanizer womanizer toxic womanizer wo-..."
Producer:  Whoa Brit, whoa. Hang on a second.
Britney:  What's the problem?
Bob the Custodian:  Yeah, what's the problem?
Producer: It's just... aren't you just singing the word "womanizer" over and over again?  Like, are there other lyrics?
Britney: There are other lyrics too!  I just really like that word.
Producer: All right I just... I just think that if you're going to have a hit chorus, you need more than the same word over and over and over again, no?
Britney:  Well I wasn't done yet, though!  And I really think that today's girls will be able to identify with it.
Producer:  Okay well, I don't know.  We're on a tight schedule.  We need a hit song done in like ten minutes.
Britney:  Okay.
Producer:  You don't have any other songs?
Britney: Well, I'm working on one that I think I'm going to call "1 2 3" or something and I'll namecheck beloved folk group Peter, Paul, and Mary as a euphamism for a threesome.
Producer: Uhhhhh yeah okay we'll go with "Womanizer".  Just throw the word "swagger" in there somewhere and we should be good.

Setting: Some time later, Scotland
Alex Kapranos:  Guys, let's cover this song. It'll be hilarious.
Franz Ferdinand: