Ending Sentences With Prepositions is Seriously Uncalled For

Really, what's that about? It's a hard habit to get out of. Even worse: sometimes you meet someone who is finely attuned to this grammatical conversational error and--in case you couldn't guess--they are very difficult people to have a conversation with.

And don't even get me started when it comes to sentences that begin with conjunctions.

Facebook According to DF, Part 6

Dear Facebook,

The first step in fixing any problem is identifying the problem.  "Something" is not a specific problem.  If you do not know what went wrong, you cannot be fixing it.  Every time you display the following message, it just confirms that you don't care.

I appreciate that my choices here are "Okay" and... guess I'm okay with it, then.

Poking Around

I would like to thank Facebook, weight and measure of all things social and network, for confirming that I poked my friend Steve yesterday.  Even after asking if I was sure that I wanted to poke Steve.  While others rail on about profile page layouts and friendship pages, I find that it's still the simplest things that really, truly creep me out.  Thanks, Facebook.

On an unrelated note, this is blog post #200.  Pow.

I spent about two minutes on this.

Some Crappy Haiku / Copied From My Other Blog / And Recycled Here

Ever feel awkward

When you've drank more or less than

your friends? Cause I do.

As you read this, I'm

Breaking my resolution

To write better stuff.

If I'd my druthers

I would run around barefoot

And play in the sand

Don't you hate it when

You meet paid professionals

Who suck at their job?

Standing by the door

You stop to fix your sun dress.

I'm checkin' you out.

Yeah I hate it when

You come home from work and you

Still have work. What gives?

Someone should look at

Truth in Advertising Law

And let Best Buy know.

Bad luck is just that

Black cat climbing the ladder

Up a house of cards.

If I write haiku

But then nobody reads it

Is it really there? 

Fun note!  I learned recently that haiku is composed of moras and not necessarily syllables.  I do not understand moras, but if you took any of these haiku seriously, then shame on you.  And, also, thanks.

Useless Post (33% Less Fat!)

Although it should technically be fine, I cannot come around to the notion of cream cheese on toast.

An Attempt to Single Out My Huge Fan from Mountain View, California

Hello, Mountain View, California!!!!!

Many of you will wonder why I'm offering this salute to this quaint little village of 70,780.  As it turns out (and yes, I get statistics on such things), I've received quite a few hits from this town, which perhaps not coincidentally is where Google is based.  In an effort to find out if I have a stalker (and find out if said stalker is a gorgeous, 22-year-old brunette with brown eyes standing about 5'5"), I am reaching out to said creepshow who seems to be stalking my blog.

At any rate, hi.  My name is Dan.  I am impressed by your taste in comedic blog writing, since you've come to the greatest source for blog-o-comedy on the Internets.  For those of you who fall into a category I just created called "Not my stalker from Mountain View, California", you might be thinking: "Hey, this entry is irrelevant to me!!".  And you'd be right, except for the fact that this stalker that I may or may not have might in fact be my future wife, and thus an integral part of my blogging experience from 2013 onward.  I'm just saying.  If she is, I'd like to give her enough time to break into the world of hiLARious comedic blogging so she can be up to snuff when I have to introduce her to my mom.

And so, dear future wife from MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA, I am very happy to have artificially met you.  Please get in touch with me soon.  I'd be more than happy to leave my current girlfriend, "Beer".

The Unexpected Case for "Y'all"

I'm a man with facts.  While some people have opinions, my "opinions" are really just facts that I label as opinions so that other people don't feel insecure around me.  Trust me, it's hard work being right all of the time.  People start to resent you.

That said, I never change my mind about anything, because to do so would be to change facts, and to change facts is un-American (or standard practice, if you're Rush Limbaugh). I have to make an announcement, however: I have, in fact, changed my mind on one very important point.

After much malignment from myself and other intelligent, great looking people, I think it's time we embrace the word "y'all".

Now step down from that window ledge, Grandpa; I know what you're thinking. "Y'all" is a grammatically suspect folksism from the backwoods of all the states that we should have just let secede. You'd be right. However, at the moment, we have a need, and necessity is the mother of invention. And your mother was a duplicitous tramp, but we don't have time for that right now.

You see, there currently exists no good option for replacing "guys" in the vernacular.  Sure, everyone uses it, but those with too much time on their hands are quick to mention that "guys" is sexist (even if you were just addressing four men whose names were all, literally, "Guy").  I have several professors that have gone out of their way to deliver a ten-minute tangent on why America needs to stop referring to groups of people as "you guys".

Sure, my other professors think those guys need to just chill out, but they may have a point.  Who knows?  Somewhere there could be a girl that actually gets offended when she's directly or indirectly referenced as a part of the "you guys" collective.  No, I wouldn't want to hang out with her either, but I think I have to at least pretend to care about her life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

"Oh Rhode Island, you so silly!"

Therefore, I ask you to indulge me and reconsider "y'all".  It's hard to get the attention of a group of people if, say, you're a student teacher and you need to bring a room with 33 students to order.  I mean this is strictly hypothetical, of course.  "Ladies and gentlemen" sounds a bit stuffy.  "Boys and girls" is patronizing.  "You folks" sounds like something my grandma would say.  "Fellas" isn't going to do it, either--you'll have the "You Guys" KGB knocking on your door in no time.  Yet, a well placed "Hey, y'all need to shut the hell up!" could get the trick done without offending anyone at all!*

* based on gender

So, dear friends, hear my plea!  Given that there is no more edumacated synonym for "y'all", I suggest we try it out. We have nothing to lose, and so much community to gain. Whaddaya say, y'all??

ADDENDUM (6:58pm):  Forget it, you guys.  I can't do it.

Dude, That's Nuts

There is absolutely no way that the inspiration for this product did not happen on a Friday night in the backseat of a '57 Camaro.

My Blog Turns 1

On December 31, this blog celebrated its first birthday. I was not there because I was drinking, but it was one year ago that day that I ripped the year 2008 a new one and this blog was born. I'd love to say we've come a long way, but we haven't. The only thing that kept me from delivering a similar kiss-off to 2009 was that I actually had plans on December 31 this time. Shocking. Anyway, hooray for acknowledging insignificant milestones that happened 12 days ago. In the previous decade.

150th Post!

...or 27th, if you only count the decent ones.

In honor of this important milestone, I would like someone to throw me a party in East Egg. If anyone reading this could get on that, I'd appreciate it. I'll assume good faith and head over now.

Wow, 150 posts!!1! Never thought my crummy little blog would make it this far. I'd like to thank the good people at Google for making this farce possible. Booze all around. Let's hear it for pseudo-milestones.

If You Don't Understand Math, Just Skip Ahead To The Next Post Where I Make A Naked Lady Joke.

Sometimes I feel like this is very, very accurate, and it makes me not want to blog anymore. But then, I think, "Hey! I should blog about that!!" and that feeling goes away.

Courtesy of xkcd.com, which I understand sometimes.

Celeb Spotting

Today I hurried around the corner and brushed past a lady in a white jacket. I turned around and, low and behold, it was Emma Thompson. Well, I thought, I've been seen in public with a celebrity today.

As I met up with the students that I was meeting up with at the meet-up point where we were going to meet up, the students that I met up with asked if I had seen Kate Winslet, too. I look back around the corner and who should be walking away? Kate Winslet. In order to not get made fun of, I needed an excuse for missing so obvious a movie star. So, I said that I didn't recognize her with clothes on. That worked.

Living in New York City is fun.

Everyone Really Wants To Know All About Me!!

... as they probably should. I'm important.


Apparently, I am a dreamer. I am glad to have this information and eagerly await the day that I might wake up.

Source: http://www.mypersonality.info, and procrastination

Wrap It Up

Myself, to a few patrons, as an organizer of our Grad Hall Talent Show Preliminary:

"We're also giving out free care packages from the Health Center. And yes, those are condoms for those of you fortunate enough to have a use for such things. As for me, I like to blow them up into balloons and then Sharpie my hopes and dreams onto them. When they pop, you can really hear the symbolism. Anyway, thanks for coming!"

Do-Nut Doo-Wop

I saw these fine fellows in 2002 in the middle of Absolutelynowhere, Ohio. They go by the stage name Chapter 6. For this number, they graciously allowed their bass (one of the lowest, most resonant basses I've ever heard) to take the solo spotlight. He had previously delivered an obscenely smooth bassline on "Mercy Mercy Me".

Please remember, before viewing: This man's voice part is very low. Bass II. Bass III, if there is such a thing. There might be. He'd be one. Enjoy.

Help Wanted

Last night, I had a dream. Wait, there's more! In this dream, two absolutely genius blog ideas came into my head while I was at a bar. Dream Me attempted to text message someone, most likely "Real Me", to get the ideas down before either Me (Mii?) forgot them. This morning, I woke up and checked my phone before realizing that that was the stupidest idea I've ever had.

I'd still like to figure out what I wanted to write about, though. Two of the ideas involved were Chinese food and the snooze button. I forgot the rest. If you can make sense out of that and remind me what fantastic literary excellence I was about to bless the world with, I'd be grateful. kthxbye.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

A Decaf Post

A "decaf" post means "lower your expectations".

As I finish my decaf Cafe Americano (decaficano?), it occurs to me how apropos the recipe for this drink is (at least in its caffeinated version). Espresso and hot water. Straight and to the point. Wake me the hell up, now. Seems to fit with the international perception of the busy, business-first, socially inept American, no? I think they should explore this line of thinking further with other coffee options. Picture this S'bucks menu:

Cafe Red State
Espresso & cream, kept seperate but Equal™.

Cafe Blue State
Five-bean blend, but in smaller cups that everyone gets for free.

Cafe Canadiano
Similar to Cafe Americano but weaker and served cold.

Cafe Franco
Similar to Cafe Canadiano but weaker and a bit fruity.

Cafe Anglo
Stale Cafe Americano, leaves all three teeth stained.

Cafe Eire
40% ABV

Cafe South Africano
see Cafe Red State

Cafe Somaliano
Delicious imported blend stolen from you while walking on the sidewalk.

Cafe Iraqi
Anyone who claims that indigestion is not a weapon of mass destruction is a damned dirty liar.

Cafe Ruskie
Sludge. Silty, delicious sludge. No, I've had it, that's what it is. *formerly known as Cafe Communiccino

Cafe Sarku Japan
Cat.

My Buddy Info

Every time I sign into AIM, and the top of the window reads, "DF is available", it reminds me that... dammit... yes, yes I am.

Unrelated Note: Did you ever laugh when you go to sign in and it says "Negotiating..."? I do. Who are you negotiating with? I'd like to think that there is some mid-level flunkie who has to plead to Mr. Big, kneeling on the floor at his desk overlooking his Burbank vista, imploring him to find it in his heart to allow me to sign in. I really, truly hope that this happens.

Thoughts I Thought I Thought

Round 1: Food is way too expensive. Why can't I feed myself for like $3? I don't care what anyone says; we don't have socialism until I don't have to shell out $8.50 for a sandwich and a drink.

Round 2: If the grocery store across the street continues to sell "Milwalkee Best" for $3.99 a six-pack, I am going to develop a taste for "Milwalkee Best".

Round 3: One-way streets are fantastic for pedestrians. All cities should be like this.

Round 4: WHY do we have to still buy textbooks for school? We already have things like Netflix and Kindle. Is it unreasonable to come up with some form of renting textbooks? I don't want to own most of these anyway! Then you sell back a book in the exact same condition cause you barely used it and you get maybe 20% of what you paid for it. Why do we put up with this? Ridiculous.

Round 5: Hello, future employers! And thank you for stalking me. If you're looking for a context to put my blog in, please know that, in the future, I will refer to this period of my life as when I was trying to "find myself".

Round 6: I am so impressed with the stuff I haven't done yet.

Round 7: I'm also the most modest person I know. Ask me about my humility sometime!

Point/Counterpoint

"Taylor, I'm really happy for you. I'll let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!"

"YOU LIE!"