A Translation Guide for Instant Message Speak

You're pretty funny, right? Like you've got a couple zingers up your sleeve, and every now and then you bust out a witticism while schmoozing with friends. But when you're chattin' it up online, how do you know if the person on the other end finds you as hilarious as you find yourself? For that matter, how can you be sure you're correctly reading anything in txtspeak?

Help is on the way. Here's a rough translation guide for you:

WHAT THEY SAY = WHAT THEY MEAN

what up = entertain me.

hey = why did you IM me?

n2m, u? = a lot of things really, and i don't feel like getting into any of them at the moment, but thank you for asking.

just chillin' = i've been creeping on your facebook photos for, like, ten minutes.

ha = not funny.

haha = i am recognizing that you are trying to be funny, and i am placating you with a response.

hahaha = you are funny.

hahahaha = i am laughing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA = i am laughing at you, not with you.

you up to anything later? = entertain me.

i think i'm staying in tonight = i'm going out, but not with you.

i've got sooooo much work to do = i have as much work as anyone else does.

yeah i'll call you if we do anything = i have no intention of calling you.

:-) = i am a :-( person fishing for a :-) from you so i can be :-) too.

hmmm = i have no response for you but feel like filling the awkward silence. maybe you'll keep talking or change the subject for me.

nice = i hereby bestow upon you the ultimate male comment of approval. your taste is excellent and you are a fine example to us all. rock the fuck on.

what have you been up to lately? = entertain me.

? = i am skeptical

whaaaaaat? = i am, like, extremely skeptical

whatttttttt? = i am, like, extremely skeptical and do not grasp the difference between consonants and vowels.

;-) = let's do it.

g2g = someone more interesting just showed up. i will still be online for another hour, but i'll pretend that i'm not.

kthxbai = my sense of hipster irony places me above all you sheeple. i am witty and cool and shop at american apparel, but i bring my own bag.

My Buddy Info

Every time I sign into AIM, and the top of the window reads, "DF is available", it reminds me that... dammit... yes, yes I am.

Unrelated Note: Did you ever laugh when you go to sign in and it says "Negotiating..."? I do. Who are you negotiating with? I'd like to think that there is some mid-level flunkie who has to plead to Mr. Big, kneeling on the floor at his desk overlooking his Burbank vista, imploring him to find it in his heart to allow me to sign in. I really, truly hope that this happens.

Facebook According to DF, Part 5

H'okay, so... since coming back to school, I have rediscovered the magical time waster that is Facebook. A long time ago, I came to the realization that I was in it too deep and could not just walk away from the often-changing social media site. It is the primary means of contact with more than half of the people I care to know anything at all about, which is strange if you think about it.

I am probably a low-grade phonophobe (yes, that's a real thing) and only pick up the phone to talk to close friends from home, or people I am expecting to hear from. If I don't recognize the number, I will never pick it up. Generally, I get a creeping feeling of claustrophobia when I am on the phone, especially indoors. It's really bizarre. As such, social media like Facebook can help me avoid awkward phone interaction with people I don't really want to talk to anyway! Nifty.

So if I were to ever try to leave Facebook, I know I'd just come right back, bringing a bundt cake and asking if I could come inside and we could "just talk for a moment" (yes, apparently my return to Facebook would be a Lifetime movie). But it's stuff like this Friend Collection Photo Grid stuff that really makes it hard to stay.

Uck! Look at that crap. Sweet tripping grandma on a treadmill, I loathe this stuff. Let's think, for a second, about why I'd be looking at Facebook photos. I am either:

a) Bored
b) Supposed to be doing something else

So when I just see annoying, juvenile crud like this, it either turns my boredom into slight internet rage, or it reminds me that I should be doing something else. Either way, I am forced to reexamine my sad existence, as I note that ten times a day I check Facebook to see... this.

Make a collage of your friends! I'm sorry, is this arts and crafts hour at Sunday school? Check out the SuperFriend App! I'd like you to check out a ditch. Tag your friends who fit each description! How about I tag your face with a size 10 dress shoe?

Facebook, I recognize that you are a fairly necessary evil. I cannot stay in touch with everyone any other way, because I only have so many cell phone numbers and nobody uses Instant Messenger anymore. You are also among the few things I check online, because email = work (that's no fun) and CNN gets more depressing by the minute. But if I sign in one more time to see that I'm tagged yet again by some 19 year old as "The Gentle One", I'm going to throw a refridgerator off of my balcony.