Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fantasy Baseball Update!

Let me tell you about my fantasy baseball team! We're having a tremendous year; after going on a 12-4 run I have clinched a playoff spot. I still need to pick up a solid #4 starting pitcher before... hey, where are you going?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Adventures in Education, Chapter 14

Today we salute you, Honey Maid graham crackers! Not only are you a delightful and delicious treat at preschools across this great nation, but you represent an activity in and of itself and a time-slot on our summer camp schedule. Sure, you are mostly made available for the campers, but when the counselors need you most, you come through in the clutch, always fresh and tasty. Forgot breakfast this morning? Not a problem! Graham crackers are an excellent source of Vitamins B1 and B2 (we have no idea what these do), not to mention 15% of your daily calcium needs or something! Low-fat graham crackers? No way, Jose. Go big or go home. You provide the flavor explosion and nutritional energy boost needed to power through those 27 minutes between snacktime and lunch. So pour yourself another lemonade, graham cracker maker people, because without your 25g of carbohydrates per serving, we'd have to put naptime on the schedule too.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The World's Shortest Ghost Story, as told by the Greatest Kindergarten Camp Counselor of All Time


If My Mom Posted On "Texts From Last Night"



(508): Sorry, I can t seem to

(508): Sorry, I can"t seem to figure this out

(508): Sorry, I can't seem to figure this out. Are you

(508): Sorry, I can

(508): Crap

(508): Are you coming home tonight Love, MOM.

(508): hey dan its jp. mom says she'll pay ur txt msg bill this month. kthxbye.
Bad Night (1)

Adventures in Education, Chapter 13

Thursday, Summer Camp, 10:33am
1st Grade Boys' Bunk

Camper: "Can you untie my shoelace?"
DF: "Sure."
DF: [really, really struggles]
DF: "Who tied this? A sailor?"
Camper [incensed]: "NO! My mom never lost a leg!"

Voicemail Translation

What you hear: "Hey man, just calling to see when you're coming over to my party. It's getting pretty wild, you should get here!"

What they mean: "Hey uh... no one's here yet, you still coming? I'm bored."

Adventures in Education, Chapter 12

Tuesday, Summer Camp, 10:09am
4th Grade Boys' Swim Lessons

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Junior Staff Member: "Dan, we need you to talk to Kenny. He's been swearing in the pool."
Senior Counselor Dan: [Asks child to explain the problem, acknowledges child's frustration, reminds him of the inappropriateness of the F-word at camp, accepts child's apology, accompanies child back to the pool]
Lifeguard: "Thanks, Kenny. We don't talk like that here at camp. I don't really give a sh*t what you say at home, just don't do it here."

Aw dude, I remember this blog...

You might be wondering where I've been for the past few weeks. No satisfactory answer is forthcoming.

Here's a partial answer, though: Summer camp (i.e., my job when school is out) pretty much owns me Monday through Friday. Sure, I have time to blog on the weekends, but generally lack the inclination. I've been spending time with my dudes and hanging out poolside with mad biddies (read: platonic female friends), and also drinking like I was still an undergrad. So there's that.

Consider that scintillating update to be merely appeasement. As previously stated, I have no intention of telling you anything more about my personal life. It's not exactly MTV material anyway. Enjoy the forthcoming posts, none of which will exceed 100 words.

*photo completely unrelated.