Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Help Me Get Lunch, Friends

There is a restaurant nearby called Project Sandwich, and they are asking for sandwich submissions. You can see the list and vote or die here.

Naturally I am hungry and anticipate getting free food so please consider the issues, place a sign in your front lawn, and go vote for "The Upper-Middle Class Pilgrim"--the sandwich that is about to take Manhattan by storm, kind of like the rain just did.

"The Upper-Middle Class Pilgrim" Sandwich
1 Serving of Smoked Turkey
A Few Slices of Ham
Two Strips of Bacon
Cranberry Mustard
Served on Potato Bread
w/Cape Cod Potato Chips

Feel free to submit your own recipe as well, if you are looking to snag second place.  I really think that having my own sandwich will be the difference maker and I will finally have lots of friends.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A Call to the Bullpen

Fantasy sports are exciting.  Despite the fact that most of us got made fun of in gym class (but not me, certainly), playing fantasy sports allows many of us to get the competitive juices flowing without any of the detracting risks that come along with being an athlete, like pulled hamstrings, road trips to Milwaulkee, and cheating on your spouse.

One of the highest orders of business in fantasy sports actually has nothing to do with the sport at all.  Picking a tremendously hilarious team name will earn you the admiration of your peers and make you seem like an awesome human being--even though, by all accounts, you are not.

I joined a fantasy baseball league where I will need to come up with a baseball related pun on a popular book title (examples that are already taken: "Catchers in the Rye", "David Copper Fielders", "A Midsummer Night's Team", and "The Great Batsby"). Although I am quite aware that I am the funniest person I know (and smartest and best looking and most modest), I thought I would take it to the Internets and solicit votes from the peanut gallery, as well as potential submissions, before I finally select a team name.

Here is my preliminary brainstorming list:
Jane Error
Slaughterhouse Nine
Lord of the Flyouts
Angels & Dodgers
The Pinchrunner's Guide to the Galaxy
Perks of Being a Wallballer
Homers for Algernon
Fahrenheit 6-4-3
Dante's Infieldo
Clubhouse Chatterly's Glover
Artemis Foul
Comedy of Errors
Taming of the Screwball
The Bunt for Red October
For Whom The Ball Rolls
Number the All-Stars (I'm going to hell)
Fight in August
A Pitcher of the Artist as a Young Man
Silas Mariner
Homer's Epic Cycle

Please overlook some of the lamer choices in there; I was tired.  My friends also came up with lists, among them these choice choices:

Excerpts from JM's (probably superior) List:
Atlanta Braves New World
The Base Runner
Of Dice-K and Men
The Full Count of Monte Cristo
The Pitcher of Dorian Gray
Atlas Slugged
One Flew Over the Green Monster
The Outfielders
A New York Yankee on King Arthur's Wall
Jackie Robinson Crusoe
Journey to the Center Field of the Earth
[and my personal favorite]
The Tragedy of King Richard at Third

Excerpts from DL's List:
Glove in a Time of Cholera
Balk Two Moons
Animal Farm League
A World Series of Unfortunate Events
Around the Bases in 80 Days
Charlotte's Web Gems

Have you got anything, Internets?  I'm picking my team name by this time tomorrow.  Feedback/suggestions/hate mail appreciated.

An Attempt to Single Out My Huge Fan from Mountain View, California

Hello, Mountain View, California!!!!!

Many of you will wonder why I'm offering this salute to this quaint little village of 70,780.  As it turns out (and yes, I get statistics on such things), I've received quite a few hits from this town, which perhaps not coincidentally is where Google is based.  In an effort to find out if I have a stalker (and find out if said stalker is a gorgeous, 22-year-old brunette with brown eyes standing about 5'5"), I am reaching out to said creepshow who seems to be stalking my blog.

At any rate, hi.  My name is Dan.  I am impressed by your taste in comedic blog writing, since you've come to the greatest source for blog-o-comedy on the Internets.  For those of you who fall into a category I just created called "Not my stalker from Mountain View, California", you might be thinking: "Hey, this entry is irrelevant to me!!".  And you'd be right, except for the fact that this stalker that I may or may not have might in fact be my future wife, and thus an integral part of my blogging experience from 2013 onward.  I'm just saying.  If she is, I'd like to give her enough time to break into the world of hiLARious comedic blogging so she can be up to snuff when I have to introduce her to my mom.

And so, dear future wife from MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA, I am very happy to have artificially met you.  Please get in touch with me soon.  I'd be more than happy to leave my current girlfriend, "Beer".

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Unexpected Case for "Y'all"

I'm a man with facts.  While some people have opinions, my "opinions" are really just facts that I label as opinions so that other people don't feel insecure around me.  Trust me, it's hard work being right all of the time.  People start to resent you.

That said, I never change my mind about anything, because to do so would be to change facts, and to change facts is un-American (or standard practice, if you're Rush Limbaugh). I have to make an announcement, however: I have, in fact, changed my mind on one very important point.

After much malignment from myself and other intelligent, great looking people, I think it's time we embrace the word "y'all".

Now step down from that window ledge, Grandpa; I know what you're thinking. "Y'all" is a grammatically suspect folksism from the backwoods of all the states that we should have just let secede. You'd be right. However, at the moment, we have a need, and necessity is the mother of invention. And your mother was a duplicitous tramp, but we don't have time for that right now.

You see, there currently exists no good option for replacing "guys" in the vernacular.  Sure, everyone uses it, but those with too much time on their hands are quick to mention that "guys" is sexist (even if you were just addressing four men whose names were all, literally, "Guy").  I have several professors that have gone out of their way to deliver a ten-minute tangent on why America needs to stop referring to groups of people as "you guys".

Sure, my other professors think those guys need to just chill out, but they may have a point.  Who knows?  Somewhere there could be a girl that actually gets offended when she's directly or indirectly referenced as a part of the "you guys" collective.  No, I wouldn't want to hang out with her either, but I think I have to at least pretend to care about her life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

"Oh Rhode Island, you so silly!"
Therefore, I ask you to indulge me and reconsider "y'all".  It's hard to get the attention of a group of people if, say, you're a student teacher and you need to bring a room with 33 students to order.  I mean this is strictly hypothetical, of course.  "Ladies and gentlemen" sounds a bit stuffy.  "Boys and girls" is patronizing.  "You folks" sounds like something my grandma would say.  "Fellas" isn't going to do it, either--you'll have the "You Guys" KGB knocking on your door in no time.  Yet, a well placed "Hey, y'all need to shut the hell up!" could get the trick done without offending anyone at all!*
* based on gender

So, dear friends, hear my plea!  Given that there is no more edumacated synonym for "y'all", I suggest we try it out. We have nothing to lose, and so much community to gain. Whaddaya say, y'all??

ADDENDUM (6:58pm):  Forget it, you guys.  I can't do it.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I'll Be Honest; I Don't Fully Understand Where This Leaves Us

Okay, so... usually I like to post my own stuff, because I think that I'm hilarious and awesome and head and shoulders above the rest of the world... and, well, I am. Sometimes, however, I like to throw the spotlight to those who are less talented than I am. Enjoy this clip that I cannot get enough of:

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Don't Call It A Comeback!

Two reasons for that:
1) It's too early to tell
2) It probably isn't one; I've just always wanted to say that

photo credit: CNN/SI

I would wager that 65% of all blog posts are posts apologizing for the lack of posts, which means that they help alleviate their own raison d'etre but not by a lot.

At any rate, I'll add substance to this post by mentioning that I would favor a cruel and unusual punishment for anyone who takes up the whole sidewalk while walking, especially if they stop abruptly.  I'm thinking that they should have to listen to "Party in the U.S.A." once or twice.

Okay, that's a bit excessive.  It's good to be back.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Open Notes to the Springtime Revelers in the Park

Preface: This is the second installment in my Open Notes series, where I talk to people around me but on my blog because I lack the guts/interest/pickup lines necessary to actually conversate with other people.

Today I thought I would take advantage of the 73-degree weather (that's Fahrenheit, for those of you who identify as Eurotrash) and grade some papers in scenic Washington Square Park.  Given its location, WSP is a nexus of every population subset imaginable.  Where else could hippies, musicians, NYU students, yuppies, tourists, dogs, communists, druggies, protestors, pretzels, Sesame Street Muppets, film crews, artists, and squirrel enthusiasts gather in one place?  Well okay, Brooklyn, yeah.  You're right.  Happy?

Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by an anticipated argument, I was about to announce that it was time once again to make fun of people on the internets while hiding behind the enclosure of my craptop screen.

To the indie artist next to me: I had no idea that stringing together a long list of words that end in "-ation" constituted a deep, meaningful song.  Bravisimo! I can tell by your softly plucked chords and clever use of juxtaposition and free association that you are a douche.  There are more chords in the world besides G and C.  Please learn some of them.  Any of them, really.  Also, thanks for calling your girlfriend/incredibly patient sister over to play the egg shaker--it really adds to the ambiance of your composition.

To the undergrad girls stopping to listen: No, girls, he sucks.  Move along.

To the ladies walking the small lapdog: Does your dog know that he is an accessory?  How does he feel about this?  Does he have the will to live at all?  Was his father a hat?  Was his grandfather a cotton ball? What kind of metaphor does he think his leash is?  Is he a she?  I have so many questions.

To the fellow with the crazy hair, ridiculous hat, and Nike shirt which reads "SLICE IT UP":  When your track jacket covered the "S" of "SLICE IT UP", your headwear suddenly made so much more sense.

To the girl on the phone to my right:  You seem like you'd be really annoying, but you're hot so I'll let it slide.

To the dude that walked by and said "Wrong shirt, buddy": First off, I'm not your buddy.  Secondly, making fun of my Mike Lowell shirt is not fair unless you are properly marked yourself.  Yankees or Mets?  It makes a difference, yes.  I don't know how to respond to you without that pertinent information.  I guess I could take the high road and yell "Suck in the gut!". Maybe next time.

To several male friends via text message:  SKIRTS!  YES!!

To my iPod: Thank you for being here.  Now I can pretend that the John Lennon wannabe next to me actually is John Lennon.

To the dude walking through in a Wu-Tang Clan shirt and actually blasting Wu-Tang Clan on his boombox:  Holy 1993!

To the barefoot girl sitting across from me who also laughed and then shared a knowing look with me:  My roommate is gone for the weekend.  I'm just saying.

To the guy feeding the pigeons:  Wow. I think Mary Poppins sings a song about you. Also if you've got that many pigeons on you, I imagine you do a lot of laundry.  Why aren't you wearing white?

To the folks stolling by with the weiner dog:  If I put relish and mustard on your dog, would you laugh too?  I would laugh.

To the girl clearly not wearing a bra: Usually I'd be okay with this, but... how can I put this tactfully?  I support you even less than your clothes do.

To the folks that asked me to slide down so they could fit their whole group and then decided to leave once I had moved all of my stuff because they wanted to go sit on the grass instead: It was great meeting you today.

To the Communists handing out fliers: Okay first, communism has never worked well anywhere in the history of time.  So give me a break. I'd love to help out with the Rebellion, but I have to do some laundry.

To the LaRouche fringe group handing out fliers of a Hitler mustache on President Obama, ostensibly to protest the health care plan:  Hitler wasn't socialist.  He was fascist.  Sorry no one told you before you printed 2,000 of these things.

To the really large retriever dog passing by:  Eat a pigeon! Eat a pigeon! Eat a pigeon!

To the backside of the really large retriever dog passing by: Wuss.

To the hippie walking from the other direction:  You bear a passing resemblance to the backside of the really large retriever dog passing by.

To me: You've sat here for an hour and graded 3 papers. You suck.

To the indie artist next to me as he gets ready to leave: I know you came out here this morning with big dreams of being the next Bob Dylan.  You were so excited that in your haste you forgot to shower this week.  At any rate, I'm sorry no one took you seriously today.  I suppose you could write a song about it.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Moving Forward. Rapidly.

Times are tough, but we at Toyota would like to thank you for sticking with us!  Sure, the reports are dire and getting worse every day, but you, the American Public, have once again stood by us and our superior brand name.  Well, mostly.

At any rate, we're totally out of ideas (and even we're driving Hondas now), so to entice you to purchase any one of our fine products, please check out these offers!!
  • All Priuses (Prii?) now come with jet brakes
  • Innovative new Tuk-N-Rol in all Rav-4s
  • All Camrys (Camries?) now upgraded to Corollas
  • Drag racing rear parachutes installed in all Avalons
  • All 4Runners equipped with escape Yarises
  • Yarii?
  • Tacoma now features bubble wrap exterior
  • All Lexuses (Lexii?) now come with larger Christmas bows on the roof, to increase drag
  • Every new Sienna comes standard with lifeboats, perfect for a roadside lake near you!
  • All Tundras now include Mario Kart mode.  It doesn't solve anything but we've always wanted to try it.  Yoshi not included.
Thank you once again for your patronage!  And for those of you pointing fingers, we now think the problem might be due to excess radiation in the southern part of our country.  Yeah, I wonder whose fault that was.

TOYOTA. Hey, at least we're not Chevy™.