I'm a man with facts. While some people have opinions, my "opinions" are really just facts that I label as opinions so that other people don't feel insecure around me. Trust me, it's hard work being right all of the time. People start to resent you.
That said, I never change my mind about anything, because to do so would be to change facts, and to change facts is un-American (or standard practice, if you're Rush Limbaugh). I have to make an announcement, however: I have, in fact, changed my mind on one very important point.
After much malignment from myself and other intelligent, great looking people, I think it's time we embrace the word "y'all".
Now step down from that window ledge, Grandpa; I know what you're thinking. "
Y'all" is a grammatically suspect folksism from the backwoods of all the states that we should have just let secede. You'd be right. However, at the moment, we have a need, and necessity is the mother of invention. And your mother was a duplicitous tramp, but we don't have time for that right now.
You see, there currently exists no good option for replacing "guys" in the vernacular. Sure, everyone uses it, but those with too much time on their hands are quick to mention that "guys" is sexist (even if you were just addressing four men whose names were all, literally, "Guy"). I have several professors that have gone out of their way to deliver a ten-minute tangent on why America needs to stop referring to groups of people as "you guys".
Sure, my other professors think those guys need to just chill out, but they may have a point. Who knows? Somewhere there could be a girl that actually gets offended when she's directly or indirectly referenced as a part of the "you guys" collective. No, I wouldn't want to hang out with her either, but I think I have to at least pretend to care about her life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.
"Oh Rhode Island, you so silly!"
Therefore, I ask you to indulge me and reconsider "y'all". It's hard to get the attention of a group of people if, say, you're a student teacher and you need to bring a room with 33 students to order. I mean this is strictly hypothetical, of course. "Ladies and gentlemen" sounds a bit stuffy. "Boys and girls" is patronizing. "You folks" sounds like something my grandma would say. "Fellas" isn't going to do it, either--you'll have the "You Guys" KGB knocking on your door in no time. Yet, a well placed "Hey, y'all need to shut the hell
up!" could get the trick done without offending anyone at all!*
* based on gender
So, dear friends, hear my plea! Given that there is no more edumacated synonym for "y'all", I suggest we try it out. We have nothing to lose, and so much community to gain. Whaddaya say, y'all??
ADDENDUM (6:58pm): Forget it, you guys. I can't do it.
...or 27th, if you only count the decent ones.
Recently, my parents found two words in the Wall Street Journal that they didn't understand ("peregrinatory" and "obdurateness"), and chalked up their use to the pretension of the author. Rather than pull out one of the many dictionaries in my house, they elected to circle the words and mail the paper to me for clarification.
prestigious English program, does this necessarily impugn your entreaty as obsequious? Even more pressing, if I used even a third of those words in Scrabble, would my score be higher than my GRE?
I realize that this should hardly count as an update, but I was reminded of this quote today by the "A Word A Day" email list, and I was pleasantly impressed with its accuracy. Jonathan Swift is one of those writers I tend to forget about sometimes, but he's easily one of my favorites. In addition to being a satirical genius, he had a keen eye for human nature and was one of the better critics of it (says this guy).
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