Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Wait Here for the Next Available Teller

The bank teller at the local branch is absolutely gorgeous, and every time I drop in I want to flirt or make a witty joke or seem like a romantically desirable potential male counterpart... but then I stop because I remember that she can see exactly how poor I am.

New plan:  start hitting on unemployed girls.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Truthful Pickup Lines

"Want to watch me order a drink sometime?"

"I won't take up much of your time.  Yeah, I guess I meant it in that way, too."

"I'm definitely not the worst looking guy that will talk to you tonight."

"Is it too late to steer clear of the Friend Zone?"

"Can I buy you a drink?  You can get my next one."

"Are you here with anyone more physically impressive?"

"I like your face."

"I am incredibly lonely and you have a pulse."

"I don't have a shot in hell with you, but would you mind talking to me for a bit so that other girls might get interested?"

"Your boyfriend is a tool.  I'm not really much better, but I mean, think about it."


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Limited or No Connectivity, Part IV

As I continue to blog about my lack of internet access (irony!!), my dependance on Starbucks is reaching frightening new levels.  I've been on the lookout for other free wifi outlets that I can use in the evenings, but most places also have at least one drawback.  McDonald's doesn't offer electric outlets, Bryant Park isn't sunny at 10:30pm, the closest independent coffee shop closes at 7, and people call the cops when you stand outside of their window and mooch internet.

Tonight, I passed a bar that advertised free wifi and drink specials.  I'm seriously considering it.  Sure, I'd be the sketchy looking dude rocking a 7-year-old laptop at a bar by himself, but this is New York City.  There are 8 million people here and I can afford to put off quite a few of them.

An Open Letter To The Lady Sitting Behind Me

Get your arm off of the back of my chair or I will end you.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Can't-Miss Business Venture for All You Capitalists Out There With Flexible Morals

A Laundromat Strip Club.  The most appropriately inappropriate establishment of all time.  You're welcome.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Limited or No Connectivity, Part III

When going online is a chore, giving out my email address is a pretty useless gesture.  My poor response time will most definitely lead to hurt feelings and possible reprisal via mocha lattes thrown at my head.  Yet I cannot shake the growing terror I feel when I remember that the parents of all 21 of my campers have my cell phone number now.

Some Crappy Haiku / Copied From My Other Blog / And Recycled Here

Ever feel awkward
When you've drank more or less than
your friends? Cause I do.

As you read this, I'm
Breaking my resolution
To write better stuff.

If I'd my druthers
I would run around barefoot
And play in the sand

Don't you hate it when
You meet paid professionals
Who suck at their job?

Standing by the door
You stop to fix your sun dress.
I'm checkin' you out.

Yeah I hate it when
You come home from work and you
Still have work. What gives?

Someone should look at
Truth in Advertising Law
And let Best Buy know.

Bad luck is just that
Black cat climbing the ladder
Up a house of cards.

If I write haiku
But then nobody reads it
Is it really there? 

Fun note!  I learned recently that haiku is composed of moras and not necessarily syllables.  I do not understand moras, but if you took any of these haiku seriously, then shame on you.  And, also, thanks.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A Fond Farewell to the W Train!

Um... actually I don't have much to say here.  You were simply all kinds of adequate that one time that I took you.  I suppose I will miss the disappointment of seeing you rounding the corner and not being a Q train, N train, or even an R.  You ran to my school and to... well, nowhere else that I ever needed to go.  Sure, you could get me to Times Square, but so could the 1, 2, 3, A, C, E, N, R, Q, S, and 7.  I've actually even walked to 42nd Street and beyond from West 3rd Street (several times), so it's hard to say that you were worth the $2.25.  While the N and Q often got the new rail cars, the cars on your local W runs often looked like poorly-lit crime scenes. When I found out that your service was being cut, I couldn't believe it--though only because it proved that the MTA actually does do things sometimes.  I figured that they just deliberated a lot.

So therefore, dear W train, as you noisily approach that light at the end of the tunnel [Ed. note: Sorry, I couldn't help myself], I will leave you with a positive to take back with you to the rail yards.  While you were certainly among the unsexiest of subway lines, you were not the late night G train--and you'll always have that.

Limited or No Connectivity, Part II

I'm hitting up Starbucks more often than usual (you should be concerned) because the internet in my sublet is missing.  If you find it, please return it to... wherever it is that I live.  I keep forgetting that I have no idea what my current address is.  The post office has no idea either.
In the meantime, my entries here will be sporadic as well as unfocused.  Actually, this is probably not a new development.  Inspire confidence this post doth not.

Limited or No Connectivity

Occasionally, the following series of events will happen to me.

1) A stranger will ask if he or she can share my table space at a wifi-enabled cafe.
2) I happily oblige and they sit down with me.
3) A free table opens up and they immediately move their stuff away.

Should I feel slighted?  I usually do.