Saturday, December 26, 2009

Well Tonight Thank God It's Them, Insteeead of Yoooou!!

Christmas music stinks, no?

Well some of it is okay. A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi Trio comes to mind. Anything by Nat King Cole works for me, too. He could probably have cut a CD of him singing the phone book and I'd buy extra copies.

For the most part, though, Christmas music is ├╝ber-lame. "Santa Baby" is a horrible, horrible song. Other tunes find respected artists taking well-loved Christmas melodies and massacring them; thank you, Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart, for taking the somewhat-tolerable "Winter Wonderland" and making it incredibly annoying.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a horrendous song. I don't know what would ever have prompted anyone to write, sing, or enjoy this song. It levels the playing field by being equally horrid whether sung by the best or the blandest. Every single girl singing this song has sounded exactly the same since the day this travesty was written. And does no one else find this song incredibly sketchy?

The first time I heard "Dominic the Donkey", I thought it was a bald-faced ethnic joke that I wasn't in on. It turns out it's a straight-faced holiday tune and every Italian I know LOVES it. Joke's on me, I guess. I'd like to thank the anonymous customer last week who answered my rhetorical question ("And really, when you think Christmas, what animal do YOU think of?") with a brilliantly witty reply ("Asses, definitely"). Well done, young lady. Marry me.

Back to the task at hand. The last thing we need is more Christmas music; every artist seems to pump out more of the same old crap every year. Wouldn't it be great if we just had one excellent, definitive collection of only good Christmas music? A CD that was so good that Christmas music would be considered as having 'been done' and today's artists would just leave it alone?

Ladies and gentlemen, your prayers have been answered. I have cut a Christmas CD, just in time to be the hot "impulse buy" while you're standing in line waiting to return the XXXL underwear your creepy uncle Timothy gave you. Feast your eyes, and ears, on the final word on Christmas music: A One Hand Clapping Christmas.
Check out what consumers are saying about this collection!

"Eminently regift-able!"

"Less uninspired than the other dreck, but only marginally so."

"Eminem's guest verse on 'If I Hear Mariah Carey One More Time...' is simply inspired, but it's exceedingly uncomfortable. This is still the high mark of the CD."

"'Holy $#@% Dude, It's Freezing Out There' may never be a holiday classic, but it certainly may become the so-bad-it's-good ironic hit of the season."

"Mostly comprehensive, but how could any collection not include 'Silver Bells (It's Christmastime and It's Sh*tty)'?

"Makes for an excellent beverage coaster!"

Don't delay. Pick up a copy or seven at your local record store, and unwind to the soothing sounds of the holiday season before it's over, or...

Well, pick it up for next year then.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Doctor Love, Ph. D

Every now and then I allow a guest columnist to do my work for me. Please welcome the good Doctor. - Ed.

Good evening there, gentle friends. Let's turn the lights down low for just a second. Doctor Love, Ph. D., is making a house call. How about we go through the mailbag and see if we can cheer up some hearts, no?

Dear Doctor Love,
I have been dating the same girl for over two years and we are madly in love!! We met as freshmen at Uxbridge Technical Institute, and from that first glance... well, let's just say, I knew! It took her a few weeks for her to come around but after being persistent she finally agreed to dinner, and the rest is history! She's been there for me through everything, but there's something I want to know.
This is the first serious relationship I've ever been in. How do I know if she is The One? I have nothing to compare this relationship to. What happens when we leave UTI? I'm afraid to bring up the subject with her, and I don't want to upset either of us. Most of all, I'd really hate to lose her. What should I do?

- Uneasy in Uxbridge

Dear Uneasy,

Wow, what a girl! You're a lucky man, sir. She sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime catch. I think you should dump her.

There are two reasons for that. First, you're a creepshow. You kept asking her out for dinner, even after she said no more than once? Last time I checked, that's called stalking--unless you're attractive, in which case, it's romantic. Secondly, you've only got two years left of college!! There's a lot of drinking that you haven't done yet! You should have been out with the guys from freshman orientation onward. I say break the seal on that one and get going. As a bonus, breaking up with her will help ease your descent into the life-affirming pleasures of alcohol abuse. Best of luck to both of you with... um... UTI.

Dear Doctor Love,
Hello! I am 29 years old and I've been single for over two years! I feel like I'm a smart, outgoing, funny, and upbeat girl, and I love being social. My friends also tell me I'm a really good listener and always dependable. I try to meet guys--in class, at the bars, on the bus--nothing seems to work! What should I do?

Worried in Westchester

Dear Worried,

Are you ugly? I feel like you might be ugly. Pair off with another ugly person and move up north. That's probably the best thing for all of us.

Dear Doctor Love,
Hey, long-time reader, first time writer. Listen, I know that this has been the subject of many second-rate sitcoms and stand-up comedy acts, but I really need someone to give it to me straight. Every time I meet a girl that I'm interested in, we hit it off... but then I find out she only thinks of me as a friend. Every time. What should I do?

Misfiring in Manhattan

Dear Misfiring,

Lemme let you in on a little secret. You are perpetually stuck in the "friend zone". You probably already know this, but I wanted to make sure we were clear. "Friend zone". "Zone of friends". "Oh-no-no-he's-great-but-we're-just-pals". How many weddings have you been to?

Here's the deal. Much like our homely friend Worried in Westchester, you are also probably not attractive. You have everything women want, except looks. As it turns out, until women reach stage 5 (or "old maids", if you bought my book), women want to be seen with someone hotter than their girlfriends' boyfriends. In the meantime, they're happy to keep you around as a friend because you're a schmuck and you buy them stuff. The best you can hope for is pity sex on your birthday, and you really can't afford that much wine. So here's the plan.

Make sure they all have your phone number--when they're staring down the big Four-Oh, they'll call. In the meantime, bolt town with "Worried in Westchester" and have an absolute blast. Out of the public eye, but still. I hope it's fun. Otherwise, you'll be stuck as a maid of honor your entire life.

This is your FINAL NOTICE. We still have not received your payments for services or your late fee. Your current balance is $347.25 and must be paid, in full, by DECEMBER 25 2009. If we have not received your payment by this date, we will be forced to suspend your utilities, effective immediately.


Dear Ed,

I also enjoy utilizing suspenders. Merry Christmas!!

Dear Doctor Love,
My girlfriend of three years accepted my marriage proposal last week, and I couldn't be happier!! Unfortunately, we seem to have hit an unexpected problem. Even after I had received her father's permission (we're old-fashioned, what can I say?) it appears that her family is against our getting married, on account of my not being Catholic. What should I do?

Questioning in Queens

Dear Questioning,

First off, I could have a field day with your pen name, except I've been reprimanded several times by my "progressive" editor that I need to respect all people of the rainbow. Okay, then. Though that would explain why you aren't Catholic.

Anyway... I'd try to get creative and see if you can burn a smiley face into a slice of toast. Then, run over to her parents' pad (seriously, the breathlessness adds to the rouse) and say that the blessed Saint Rocco of Rochester has appeared in your toast. You'll get the honeymoon paid for, too. Godspeed, er... best of luck to you.

Dear DF,
You're a really sweet, wonderful guy, but I think we should just be friends. I hope you're not upset.

Rebecca from your lit class

I... I don't know how that... Hey, I think we have time for one more letter!!

Dear Doctor Love,
How can I keep the swimsuit issue from coming into our home this Valentine's Day? It's my husband's subscription.

Offended in Orange, NJ

Dear Offensive,

Your husband is a lucky man. Do any pre-teen boys live in your neighborhood? Pay one of them a can of beer to sit by your mailbox on February 9th and wait for the mailman. Don't even tell him to take the magazine; just have faith. I'm sure your fears will be allayed, you old bag.

Well, America, that is all the time we have for tonight. Remember, if you have a burning love issue, and you didn't hear about it on Seinfeld, write to the good doctor. Thank you so much for curling up with our latest heart-to-heart, and until next time, don't drink and surf the net. Au revoir et slut!

Editor's note: The editor sincerely regrets the above typo, as well as most of the content of this article. We hope you will excuse the oversight(s).

Adventures in Education, Chapter 15

Diary of a Wimpy Kid, copyright Jeff Kinney

Seventh Grade ELA, 3rd Period
Teacher: "We've discussed man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. world, and man vs. self. What's the central conflict of this novel?"
Student: "I have to go to the bathroom."
Teacher: "That's your central conflict, Evan."
Student: "Actually, it's more like my lower half."