Well Tonight Thank God It's Them, Insteeead of Yoooou!!

Christmas music stinks, no?

Well some of it is okay. A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi Trio comes to mind. Anything by Nat King Cole works for me, too. He could probably have cut a CD of him singing the phone book and I'd buy extra copies.

For the most part, though, Christmas music is über-lame. "Santa Baby" is a horrible, horrible song. Other tunes find respected artists taking well-loved Christmas melodies and massacring them; thank you, Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart, for taking the somewhat-tolerable "Winter Wonderland" and making it incredibly annoying.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a horrendous song. I don't know what would ever have prompted anyone to write, sing, or enjoy this song. It levels the playing field by being equally horrid whether sung by the best or the blandest. Every single girl singing this song has sounded exactly the same since the day this travesty was written. And does no one else find this song incredibly sketchy?

The first time I heard "Dominic the Donkey", I thought it was a bald-faced ethnic joke that I wasn't in on. It turns out it's a straight-faced holiday tune and every Italian I know LOVES it. Joke's on me, I guess. I'd like to thank the anonymous customer last week who answered my rhetorical question ("And really, when you think Christmas, what animal do YOU think of?") with a brilliantly witty reply ("Asses, definitely"). Well done, young lady. Marry me.

Back to the task at hand. The last thing we need is more Christmas music; every artist seems to pump out more of the same old crap every year. Wouldn't it be great if we just had one excellent, definitive collection of only good Christmas music? A CD that was so good that Christmas music would be considered as having 'been done' and today's artists would just leave it alone?

Ladies and gentlemen, your prayers have been answered. I have cut a Christmas CD, just in time to be the hot "impulse buy" while you're standing in line waiting to return the XXXL underwear your creepy uncle Timothy gave you. Feast your eyes, and ears, on the final word on Christmas music: A One Hand Clapping Christmas.
Check out what consumers are saying about this collection!

"Eminently regift-able!"

"Less uninspired than the other dreck, but only marginally so."

"Eminem's guest verse on 'If I Hear Mariah Carey One More Time...' is simply inspired, but it's exceedingly uncomfortable. This is still the high mark of the CD."

"'Holy $#@% Dude, It's Freezing Out There' may never be a holiday classic, but it certainly may become the so-bad-it's-good ironic hit of the season."

"Mostly comprehensive, but how could any collection not include 'Silver Bells (It's Christmastime and It's Sh*tty)'?

"Makes for an excellent beverage coaster!"

Don't delay. Pick up a copy or seven at your local record store, and unwind to the soothing sounds of the holiday season before it's over, or...

Well, pick it up for next year then.