Help Me Get Lunch, Friends

There is a restaurant nearby called Project Sandwich, and they are asking for sandwich submissions. You can see the list and vote or die here.

Naturally I am hungry and anticipate getting free food so please consider the issues, place a sign in your front lawn, and go vote for "The Upper-Middle Class Pilgrim"--the sandwich that is about to take Manhattan by storm, kind of like the rain just did.

"The Upper-Middle Class Pilgrim" Sandwich

1 Serving of Smoked Turkey

A Few Slices of Ham

Two Strips of Bacon

Cranberry Mustard

Served on Potato Bread

w/Cape Cod Potato Chips

Feel free to submit your own recipe as well, if you are looking to snag second place.  I really think that having my own sandwich will be the difference maker and I will finally have lots of friends.

Misadventures in Education

Thursday, Grad School, 4:11pm
Reading Group Discussion

Student #1: "Well, 'Warriors Don't Cry' is written by Melba Pattillo, who was one of the nine students to integrate Central High School in Little Rock in 1957."
Student #2: "That was when the president had to call in Air Force troops, right?"
Student #1: "Right. So our actual class activity should be informed by segregation."
Student #3: "There were other autobiographies to come out from those students. Did you ever see The Ernest Green Story?
DF: [joining conversation late] "Is that like Ernest Goes To Camp?"
Student #3: "...no..."

[The rest is silence.]

US Presidents of the Last 109 Years, As Described by Those Who Hate Them

Barack Obama - Impractical, Unqualified, Community-Organizing Socialist Dreamer
George W. Bush - Lying, Misdiseducated, Cocky Warmongering Asshole
William Clinton - Spendhappy, Philandering Liar and Cheater, Mediocre Saxophonist
George H.W. Bush - Graduate of the Gerald Ford School of Non-Descript Presidencies
Ronald Reagan - Senile, Contra-funding, Neo-conservative-spawning Hollywood type
Jimmy Carter - Economy-Killing, Bleeding-Heart-Liberal Enemy of Anyone with a Peanut Allergy.
Gerald Ford - Bald, Boring, Nixon-pardoning Pushover
Richard Nixon - Cut and ran from Vietnam, then White House
Lyndon B. Johnson - Vietnam-escalating, "Daisy Ad" Scaremongerer who was neither JFK nor RFK
John F. Kennedy - Womanizing, Irish Catholic, Babyfaced Bay of Pigs Assailant
Dwight Eisenhower - Grabbed Alaska and Hawaii for the US, forcing the USSR to settle on mere Outer Space.
Harry Truman - Worst Exit Rating Ever, Knew about the bomb after Stalin did, Lost to Dewey
Franklin D. Roosevelt - Welfare-state-creating Economic Interventionist Who Felt Called to Ignore Washington's Two-term President Precedent
Herbert Hoover - One Dam Big Trade-Stifling Economic Failure
Calvin Coolidge - Deregulating, Anti-social, Minimalist Stiff Masshole
Warren Harding - Adulterous, Bumbling, and Corrupt Winner of the Franklin Pierce Memorial Award for Worst President of the Century
Woodrow Wilson - Promised not to go to war, then did. Unapologetic Segregationist.

William H. Taft - Fatty "300+" McBlimperson
Theodore Roosevelt - Nothing. No one has ever hated on TR and lived to tell the tale.

An 1847 Potato Farmer Observes the Modern American St. Patrick's Day

A feast day to celebrate the Irish heritage? My heart thrills to hear it! I can think of no higher testament to Saint Padraig than to employ his day as a tribute to the pious and hard working Catholics of Ireland!

But what's this? Grown men and women clad in emerald green... falling over each other, raving drunk! Inebriation and gluttony everywhere! Why? Do you consider the Irish to be heavy drinkers who freely piss on the pavement in public? Have you ever even been to Ireland? We would love to have pavement.

No, the home country is full of hard-working, poor, and hungry farmers like myself and my mothers and fathers before. 'Tis true that God took the potatoes away, but in His mercy we found America, sought work, and started rather large families on the East Coast. We are proud to hail from Ireland and should be, but I do not recognize your interpretation at all!

That young lad over there just dropped a small glass of creme into a pint of Guinness and imbibed it in two seconds flat! What inconsiderate selfishness, and such a waste too! Arthur Guinness did not spend years refining his brewing techniques for you thickheaded Americans to throw additional ingredients into a pint of black and then dispose of it rapidly. Irish Car Bomb, you say? A drink named after the process of exploding one's carriage so as to kill other Irishmen--that's not offensive.

And what of that improper lady, gorging herself on mashed potatoes with corned beef and cabbage? Beef? It's bloody Lent, people. And I find myself at a complete loss for words regarding your curious concept of "leprechauns". I have no idea where that came from, but if that is a slight against our perceived shortness, I refuse to rise to your level. If there was indeed a pot of gold at the end of some Irish rainbow, we'd have shared it by now so we could eat more than one meal a day.

Your great-great-great-uncle was from Kilkenny, you think, so you're understandably proud to be Irish. I think it strange that none of you want to be Irish the rest of the year. In just two days, you'll be wearing red and doing Italian things for Saint Joe's day. Again, as with Saint Padraig's feast, this includes all ethnic celebrations imaginable short of actually going to church.

We should start celebrating the Fourth of July in Ireland, I think. We could all wear red, white, and blue and drink stale beer from cans while donning cowboy hats, eating hot dogs, and heartily calling out things like "Purple Mountains' Majesties!". Makes about as much sense as you plastic paddys writing "Eirinn go Brach" everywhere.