An 1847 Potato Farmer Observes the Modern American St. Patrick's Day

A feast day to celebrate the Irish heritage? My heart thrills to hear it! I can think of no higher testament to Saint Padraig than to employ his day as a tribute to the pious and hard working Catholics of Ireland!

But what's this? Grown men and women clad in emerald green... falling over each other, raving drunk! Inebriation and gluttony everywhere! Why? Do you consider the Irish to be heavy drinkers who freely piss on the pavement in public? Have you ever even been to Ireland? We would love to have pavement.

No, the home country is full of hard-working, poor, and hungry farmers like myself and my mothers and fathers before. 'Tis true that God took the potatoes away, but in His mercy we found America, sought work, and started rather large families on the East Coast. We are proud to hail from Ireland and should be, but I do not recognize your interpretation at all!

That young lad over there just dropped a small glass of creme into a pint of Guinness and imbibed it in two seconds flat! What inconsiderate selfishness, and such a waste too! Arthur Guinness did not spend years refining his brewing techniques for you thickheaded Americans to throw additional ingredients into a pint of black and then dispose of it rapidly. Irish Car Bomb, you say? A drink named after the process of exploding one's carriage so as to kill other Irishmen--that's not offensive.

And what of that improper lady, gorging herself on mashed potatoes with corned beef and cabbage? Beef? It's bloody Lent, people. And I find myself at a complete loss for words regarding your curious concept of "leprechauns". I have no idea where that came from, but if that is a slight against our perceived shortness, I refuse to rise to your level. If there was indeed a pot of gold at the end of some Irish rainbow, we'd have shared it by now so we could eat more than one meal a day.

Your great-great-great-uncle was from Kilkenny, you think, so you're understandably proud to be Irish. I think it strange that none of you want to be Irish the rest of the year. In just two days, you'll be wearing red and doing Italian things for Saint Joe's day. Again, as with Saint Padraig's feast, this includes all ethnic celebrations imaginable short of actually going to church.

We should start celebrating the Fourth of July in Ireland, I think. We could all wear red, white, and blue and drink stale beer from cans while donning cowboy hats, eating hot dogs, and heartily calling out things like "Purple Mountains' Majesties!". Makes about as much sense as you plastic paddys writing "Eirinn go Brach" everywhere.