Facebook According to DF, Part 3

Choosing a Boss Profile Picture

Greetings again, social rejects, for another installment of my award-winning* series, dedicated to helping you appear much cooler online than you really are. Hopefully by this point at least a few other Facebook users who must see and interact with you every day have relented to your multiple requests and accepted you as a "friend". If this is your first time joining us, remember that a "friend" is in fact not a friend, but a "friend". If you don't know the difference, why don't you go have a seat at the little kids table? This is a grown-up conversation.

So you've updated your profile with every conceivable interest you could muster, including your favorite movies (Boondock Saints is overrated, sorry dude), books (strikingly similar to everyone's high school curriculum... you have read books since then, right?), TV shows (just copy+paste the following: 24, LOST, The Office), and music (in ABC order, you clearly just copied the list from your iPod). Great work. Also your work experience section lists everything you've ever done, including babysitting and that summer you spent as a CIT. Even greater work. Finally, after listing every possible way to contact you short of smoke signals, you have one remaining task to complete your basic profile page. A bitchin' profile picture.

Okay, before you hastily throw up any old photo of yourself, let's lay down a few ground rules:

1) The photo should be a somewhat recent photo of you. Not your team photo, not Jim Halpert, not President Obama, not Derek Jeter, you.
2) If the photo is of you and several others, no one else should be significantly more attractive than you. This is misleading. I had that problem when i put up a picture of myself and my buddy Sickwater, and suddenly every girl I was knew was asking me about his abs. If this means taking some photos with some ugly people sometimes, well... you should be doing that anyway.
3) Your photo should be big enough to actually be seen. 100x100 pixels is tiny, no matter what the motion of the ocean is.
4) If every one of your profile pictures is a coupley pic of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd better hope that they marry you. No one else you currently know will.
5) If you look absolutely stunning in your profile picture, people will assume that you untag all the unflattering ones. There is no way around this. You vain thing you.

Okay, so where does that leave us? Use the following completely arbitrary guidelines as signposts along the way to choosing your perfect profile picture.

Humorous, self-deprecating photo? Yes.
Solo cup + peace sign + hair gel? No.
You in a cold weather tourist destination? Yes.
You in a warm weather spring break slopfest? No.
You and unlikely celebrity? Yes.
You and the dorkiest professor you know? Double yes.
Halloween costume? Yes.
High school football photo while in high school? Fine.
High school football photo after high school? No.
A picture of Rudy if you do, in fact, look like Sean Astin? Yes.
Picnik nightmare? No.
Screenshot of you being interviewed by ABC6 News after a machete-wielding man ran through CVS and caused a disturbance of the peace? Gold.
Banana suit? It's been done.
Boobs? Inconclusive, further research needed.

Any unanswered questions can be resolved by reaching me at the following contacts:
Ladies, post any potential pics in the comment section.
Fellas, pick up any phone and dial 0. Ask to be disconnected.

* Recipient of the DeeEff Award for Raddest Fucking Dude Alive (February 2007)
** Hilarity not guaranteed. May be offensive in Texas.