Don't Be "That Guy"

What up, dorks?

Some of you might log off the internets every now and again to venture out into the big, scary world. It's a trip for most of you, I'm sure. While you are out enjoying that strange, wonderful phenomenon known as fresh air, remember that if you aren't careful you might encounter a collection of other human individuals (just like you!) who collectively make up what is known as society. Not only that, but if (Clapton forbid) your iPod isn't working, you might even be forced to interact with said Earth cohabitants. This can be a daunting and unfamiliar challenge for many of you, so I've gone ahead to do you all a favor and help you not be That Guy.

Who is "That Guy", you might ask? You know That Guy. There are That Guys all around us. At the supermarket, in line at the gas station, at work, at school, at the post office, and most certainly at any social function. That Guy is that guy that aggrivates the rest of the group, constantly finding a way to rub everyone the wrong way and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Maybe it's a poorly timed divorce comment in a crowd of suddenly single adults, or perhaps it's a massively complicated drive-thru order during morning rush hour, but something always sets That Guy apart.

What we (I) here have done at The Sound of One Hand Clapping is isolate a few such traits of That Guys everywhere, and we now pass this knowledge on to you. Do we (I) share simply out of benevolence and goodwill? No. We're (I'm) just tired of putting up with you, and are (am) actively seeking to make our (my) own lives (life) less headache-inducing. And so, with minimal further ado (really, very little though. It's gonna pass soon. You'll hardly even notice that this was here), we present to you:

A Practical Guide to Not Being "That Guy"

• Don't complain to your direct coworkers about how busy you are. If they don't strike you as being particularly busy in comparison, it is distinctly possible that they are more productive than you are and make a more effective use of their time than looking around to see who else is busy.
• If you approach a busy street in your car, and have already decided to pull out in front of someone, get a move on. Very few people mind that unless you're going to spend the next half mile getting your car warmed up and slowly working your way up to five under the limit.
• At any buffet or barbeque, one plate of food will suffice. If you want two, finish the first plate and then go get in line again. Oink.
  
• Don't ask for a ride so you can "save money on gas".
• There is no Exact Change Award. Just round up to the nearest dollar bill and accept your change like the rest of us. You're not doing the cashier a favor. In fact, he or she probably hates you.
• Don't drink all the beer. Asshole.
  
• Don't talk about how old/fat/poor you feel when in a group of mixed ages/weights/tax brackets.
• There haven't been any studies done, but I'm sure if someone took it upon themselves, the scientific community would find that "Baby On Board" signs have reduced motor vehicle accidents by a factor of 0. Don't put them on your car.
  
• Do not broadcast your cell phone conversation to the rest of the sidewalk/subway/bus/cafe. Not only do we really, legitimately, totally not care about your life, you're hijacking ours until you hang up.
• Don't tell everyone about your last mission on World of Warcraft. Rule of thumb: If it isn't real, no one cares.
• Flush the toilet. Holy jumping Jesú on a frying pan, I can't believe that even has to be said.
  
• If you are allowed to take a right on red, I am assuming you will take it. Don't wuss out, grandpa. Do it.
• If you find a way to bring up your significant other in every single conversation, people will stop talking to you. Maybe I only say this because I'm the male equivalent of an old cat lady, but seriously. Exist on your own every now and then. We'll like you more.
• Fit your car/truck/tank into only one parking space, between the lines. I know it takes a few seconds, but you can do it. I have faith.
• Don't step in front of people who have been waiting (at a customer service desk, a bar, etc). It makes people homocidal and no jury would convict them.
  
• Don't broadcast your pet peeves in a blog and expect people to read it. It's preachy, antagonistic, and just unfriendly.

Don't be That Guy. No one likes That Guy.