Make Way For Jerkbag Loserfaces

Today's Globe is reporting a crime so heinous, so sickening, just talking about it nauseates me.

Some ignoramus douchebag numbnuts has committed a grave injustice by looking childhood nostalgia in the face and slapping it.

Someone stole one of the ducklings in Boston Public Garden.

I didn't really read the article because I was too busy going through a Rocky-style training montage, preparing physically and mentally to administer some hard justice to this snot-nosed, pimple-breathed punk. How dare you desecrate one of the finest pieces of public art in Boston? How dare you spit on the internationally famous incarnation of one of the world's most beloved pieces of children's literature? How dare you repeat a wicked lame theft that has already occured four other times?

I mean this isn't even original. If you have to do something, there are totally other sculptures to prank. Put a French beret on George Washington. Put a Lakers jersey on Red Auerbach. Turn one of the seal tanks at the New England Aquarium into a pool of Jell-O. But you leave the ducks the hell alone, you butt nugget.

This is Nancy Schon. She sculpted each one of those ducks individually, and her work has brought joy to children, parents, and even the occassional illustration afficionado since 1987. Guess what? As soon as I'm done, she's gonna kick your ass too.

I hope you get viciously attacked by a group of twenty ravenous, hungry, and runny-nosed preschoolers, you poor excuse of a human. You make me sick. Go die in a fire. No one will miss you.