Any Karaoke Bar, dissected.

As I debate whether or not to go to the local watering hole tonight--and if the answer indeed be yes, whether or not to belt out a choice tune--it occurs to me, not for the first time, that there is a very definite crowd at karaoke bars. While most people go for sheer comedic enjoyment, or were already there and are too drunk to care that there are horrible singers straining for notes at ear-splitting volumes, you can definitely pick out the people that sing. They almost always fall into one of the following categories.

The Regular - This patron, almost always male, is probably at this bar a good five out of seven nights a week. Everyone knows his name, whether they've met him or not, and knows his stool by the imprint of his derriere. This guy also is well past the point where he needs other people to show up with in order to want to go. He's going, whether anyone else is or not. If it was a lunch cafe, he'd have a sandwich named after him. No one is quite sure where this dude works, or if he does at all. While he's always there, he lives for karaoke night. He sings the same two or three songs every week, and no one else dares to request them. These songs are usually of a country or easy listening variety.

The Artist - This performer might sing five or six times over the course of the evening, although if you notice, they've put in close to twenty song slips. Between her downward stare and her song selection, she seems to sing only for her own satisfaction. She'll arrive and sit with two to three other patrons, none of whom sing themselves or even acknowledge her performances with as much as a glance. This person generally sings tunes from the eighties, although she appears to be either far too young or far too old to have experienced youth in the eighties. Again, this person will repeat many of the same songs every week. Oddly enough, even though her name is announced many, many times, you will have trouble recalling who she is when asked.

The Really, Really Drunk Guy - Generally, this is the guy that is so hammered even the town drunk is concerned. They will pick an upbeat crowd-pleaser and then proceed to scream it until it's butchered beyond recognition. Also, they may or may not know the words or melody of the verses, but they sure as hell have got the chorus down pat (minus pitch). This dude will probably choose a song by Kid Rock, Sublime, Toby Keith, or Kiss. They are a living, breathing (?) public service announcement for the dangers of alcohol. Odds are immediately after finishing, he will drop his mic and proceed directly to the bar, where he is ignored by the bartenders for the rest of the evening.

The Star - This diva is almost always female, though the male variety is vastly more entertaining. She'll generally choose a Broadway ballad and deliver it with a voice that would knock your socks off, if you weren't in a bar. Talented? Yes. Overdoing it? Absolutely. Whatever your feelings toward Phantom of the Opera or Rent, no one is in the mood to hear it. She thankfully has the range and lung capacity to hit all the notes, but tends to add so many grace notes and embellishments that by the end you don't recognize the tune anymore. This person doesn't drink, and won't talk to you.

The Average Joe - Gets up and delivers a tuneful but not particularly inspiring rendition of a standard. You won't remember him the next day, but his name is Terry and he works at Somerville Lumber.

**~ThE pArTy GiRlZ~** - By far the most loathed of all karaoke singers. These girls will usually sing one song, shortly before last call, and there's only a 10% chance that their tune is not by Meatloaf, the Spice Girls, or Journey. There are three to seven of them, and at most only one knows the words and is coherent and tuneful enough to carry the team. You pray that this is the girl who is driving. The rest of the girls, quite clearly smashed and madly in love with one another, do their best to remain standing and wait around for the chorus where they suddenly take over the mic, because those are the words they know. Most of these girls have never been told how far away you need to hold a microphone, and it shows. They pretty much eat it. The only way this crew is not unbelievably annoying is if there is one guy clinger in the group. This guy is usually a somber looking boyfriend or is desperately trying to be "more than friends" with one of the girls, and this fellow is miserable. Laughing at him provides some good comedy, but it's a bittersweet laugh because we've all been there.

In conclusion, never show up to a karaoke bar sober.