Adventures in Education, Chapter 20

Friday, Summer Camp, 11:14pm
Woodshop

Counselor DF:  "You might want to paint your names on the sides of your toolboxes, so you will know which one is yours when the paint dries."
1st Grader:  "I wrote 'Tool'!"

Adventures in Education, Chapter 19

Wednesday, Summer Camp, 4:02pm

Camper: "I have a joke. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
Counselor DF: "I don't know."
Camper: "Because it died."

ADDENDUM (12/28/10): This is still potentially my favorite joke ever.

Adventures in Education, Chapter 18

Preface:  Although I hate setups, this one is necessary.  A theme of this week at camp was the "Dress A Bus Contest", where campers use materials provided to decorate a bus (as you may have guessed, you smart thing you).  Our bus's theme was "Under the Sea Disco Party"--a theme that could only happen when you work with young children.  Enough ado.  As always, true story.

Friday, Summer Camp, 4:32pm
Camp Bus to Manhattan

7 y.o. Girl: "Want to hear me sing my favorite song?"
Counselor DF: "Sure."
7 y.o. Girl: "Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!"
[Awkward silence]
Counselor DF: [Too afraid to say anything]
7 y.o. Girl: "We should have a disco stick on the bus for our bus party!"

An Open Letter to the Boston Red Sox

Dear Socks,

Thank you for beating the Yankees today.  However strong your desire to relish this victory may be, I must implore you to stay the course and remain focused.

I live in New York City now.  I have been called an "asshole" and a guy with "a lot of balls" on the sidewalk as recently as last week for daring to wear a Red Sox hat and stand quietly [Note: the difference between "big balls" and "a lot of balls" is substantial].  I even got made fun of by a Mets fan once--which is crap.  On the whole, the city's disdain for the Red Sox is best described as a smug apathy.  You like the Red Sox?  Good luck with that.  However, the antagonism is ratcheted up quite a bit when the Sox are in town to play the Yanks.

As a Sox fan for my entire life (I vaguely remember Dave Henderson in 1990 and I definitely saw Mo Vaughn play in Pawtucket), I beg you to make a good showing in the Bronx this weekend.  Tonight was a great start, but at a bare minimum, please don't lose the next three games.  You need to at least win one more.  It is very hard to be a transplant and face the public after your hometown archrivals dismantle your team (like they did this time last year).

Just saying "Yeah, well... 2004" doesn't cut it anymore.  The Yankees are the defending champions and I have to take the heat if you dudes can't split this series.  I'm six stops away from Yankee Stadium and I don't want to be cussed out in Spanish when I'm just running out for a donut.

Love always,
Me

Adventures in Education, Chapter 17

Thursday, Summer Camp, 3:02pm
1st Grade Boys Free Swim

Camper: "I have spit on my hands."
Counselor DF: "Okay. How did that happen?"
Camper: "I spit on my hands."
Counselor DF: "So what did you learn?"
Camper: "If you spit on your hands, you get spit on your hands."
Counselor DF:  "Great.  Tell a friend."
Camper: [Tells a friend]
Friend: [Nods]

Wait Here for the Next Available Teller

The bank teller at the local branch is absolutely gorgeous, and every time I drop in I want to flirt or make a witty joke or seem like a romantically desirable potential male counterpart... but then I stop because I remember that she can see exactly how poor I am.

New plan:  start hitting on unemployed girls.

Truthful Pickup Lines

"Want to watch me order a drink sometime?"

"I won't take up much of your time.  Yeah, I guess I meant it in that way, too."

"I'm definitely not the worst looking guy that will talk to you tonight."

"Is it too late to steer clear of the Friend Zone?"

"Can I buy you a drink?  You can get my next one."

"Are you here with anyone more physically impressive?"

"I like your face."

"I am incredibly lonely and you have a pulse."

"I don't have a shot in hell with you, but would you mind talking to me for a bit so that other girls might get interested?"

"Your boyfriend is a tool.  I'm not really much better, but I mean, think about it."

"Please?"

Limited or No Connectivity, Part IV

As I continue to blog about my lack of internet access (irony!!), my dependance on Starbucks is reaching frightening new levels.  I've been on the lookout for other free wifi outlets that I can use in the evenings, but most places also have at least one drawback.  McDonald's doesn't offer electric outlets, Bryant Park isn't sunny at 10:30pm, the closest independent coffee shop closes at 7, and people call the cops when you stand outside of their window and mooch internet.

Tonight, I passed a bar that advertised free wifi and drink specials.  I'm seriously considering it.  Sure, I'd be the sketchy looking dude rocking a 7-year-old laptop at a bar by himself, but this is New York City.  There are 8 million people here and I can afford to put off quite a few of them.

An Open Letter To The Lady Sitting Behind Me

Get your arm off of the back of my chair or I will end you.

A Can't-Miss Business Venture for All You Capitalists Out There With Flexible Morals

A Laundromat Strip Club.  The most appropriately inappropriate establishment of all time.  You're welcome.