Adventures in Education, Chapter 4

Today, Studies Center, 4:24pm

2nd Grader: Why is your writing slanted?
Me: I don't know. I guess I just write like that.
2nd Grader: Is it because your nose is slanted?

A Very Important Pronouncement

Ladies and Gentlemen,

There are few certainties in life. The most dangerous minds in human history were not those who explored the slippery slopes inherent in grey areas, but rather those inflexible enough to see beyond the black and the white. In fact, I have always harbored a rather precautionary fear of those who hold extreme and unwavering opinions in pretty much any realm of politics or philosophy. Nevertheless, I feel that a particular duty has been thrust upon me, and I must make a clear, decisive, and formal pronouncement on something that I feel very strongly about.

Double Stuf should be the standard Oreo.

It's time. Please join me in petitioning Nabisco for a brighter future for our children. Standardize the double creme as the new Oreo for a new America. United we stand. Together we can. Sugar and Crisco.

God bless you all and good night.

Ben Folds, Sara Bareilles, & Hotel Lights @ MIT

Concert Review
Ben Folds / Sara Bareilles / Hotel Lights
MIT Spring Weekend, Cambridge MA
April 25, 2009

Last night I attended my fifth Ben Folds show. Having seen him three times in Boston and once at Providence College, this was also my first concert (for any artist) at another school's exclusive show. After a hilarious (?) walk around Cambridge, my party was hot, thirsty, and ready to get our faces rocked off.

The rocking would be put on hold, however. The warm-up music was a pleasant but mellow set from Hotel Lights, a band fronted by Darren Jessee (guitar/vocals), former drummer for Ben Folds Five. While I enjoy their music on my own, I was a little unsure how their introspective songs would hold up in a live setting. The applause after each song was enthusiastic, but the energy in the room was generally low. Their drummer's unexpected absence hurt the set tremendously, too. All told, it was a pretty and well-played (especially with personnel issues) set from a band that deserves exploration, albeit probably on a more personal and less social level.

Sara Bareilles and her band came onstage next and made the room come alive. Positively glowing, her enthusiasm was contagious and she easily won over the college-aged audience, even with songs that most of the crowd was unfamiliar with. It was the last night of her tour and the set was upbeat, polished, and fun. A well-received new number was featured, presumably from her forthcoming sophomore album. She joked with the crowd through her seven song main performance, and sang each number with spirit. Of course, "Love Song" was in the setlist (as the fifth song) but--her wry acknowledgement of its perceived overexposure aside--she managed to deliver a fresh sounding version, highlighting the better parts of a song that holds up better musically than most Top 40 today. "Many The Miles", an infectious gospel-styled number, was a standout on her debut CD and a highlight of the show. She wrapped up the main set with her band by switching to ukelele and delivering a cover of Rihanna's "Umbrella" (complete with a "Hotel California" interpolation) that managed to be both tongue-in-cheek and (surprisingly) very, very good. Her encore was an unaccompanied version of "Gravity" on piano. With a great band and fantastic energy on stage, her talents shone through. I might have a crush on her.

Newton South High School's own NewTones a cappella group performed during the intermission, singing their cover of Ben Folds Five's "Evaporated" which appears on the forthcoming collection Ben Folds Presents: University A Cappella! (out this Tuesday).

After an unexplained delay, Ben Folds finally appeared with his band. Launching right into the out-of-left-field opener "Jesusland", Folds was (as always) in his element on stage. "Effington" and "Brainwascht" from Way To Normal followed, and led into the "fake" song "Bitch Went Nutz", which Folds considers superior to the real one. The audience was very receptive to all of the tunes, most of which spanned his three solo albums equally (at least four from each). Ben's band--including longtime bassist Jared Reynolds and drummer Sam Smith--has gotten even tighter while on the road, as much of his newest material sounded far more polished than it did in September. "Free Coffee", with its DIY, Altoids tin-propelled distortion, was a big hit with the MIT crowd and, on the other end of the intellectual spectrum, his rather infamous cover of a certain Dr. Dre song (which he had previously "retired") was dug up to offend the two people that hadn't heard it yet. "Hiroshima", "Zak and Sara", "Army", and "Not the Same" all amply demonstrated Folds' singular symbiotic relationship with his audience, as the give-and-take of energy between performer and fans was palpable.

Finally, in the tradition of "Rock This Bitch" (a series of improvised numbers that have become legendary amongst Folds fanboys), Ben made up a song on the spot ("I Loves Me A Gym") about the particular acoustic properties of the gym (actually a hockey rink) he was playing in. His ruminations on sound projection, standing waves, and other "technical intellectual shit" were an outrageous success with the obviously hip crowd. As Folds lampooned himself for going to UNC, his band jammed along with the changes in tempo and dynamics. Those curious can check out the fan video below:



Wrapping up with a fine-tuned "You Don't Know Me" and the audience-participatory three part harmony of "Not the Same", Folds' set was pushing the midnight mark. My fears of a short set were apparently unfounded. He returned with full band for a quick one-song encore before curfew, playing the fan favorite "Fair" from Whatever and Ever, Amen (a song I've wanted to hear live for some time now). Folds is a consummate performer and last night's show was no exception.

The full set list was:
Jesusland
Effington
Brainwascht
Bitch Went Nutz
Annie Waits
Sentimental Guy
Free Coffee
Landed
Lovesick Diagnostician / Dr. Yang
Hiroshima (B B B Benny Hit His Head)
Zak and Sara
Still Fighting It
Brick
You To Thank
Bitches Ain't Shit
Army
Rock This Bitch (I Loves Me A Gym)
You Don't Know Me
Not the Same
---
Fair (encore)

photos courtesy of hotellights.net, askmen.com, and Rolling Stone, respectively.

Adventures in Education, Chapter 3

The other day at work, while fetching something fetching to change into after a tragic arts-and-crafts accident, the (curiously all female) afternoon kindergarten class was walking by on their way to the playground and the following exchange went down, verbatim. Zero embellishments.

KG #1: Mister Dan!! Is that your car?
"Mr." Dan: Yeah, this is my car.
KG #2: But it's so small!
"Mr." Dan: Is it?
Miss Teacher: Well girls, Mister Dan doesn't have a wife and kids, so he doesn't need a big car.
KG #1 & 3, unison: That's sooo sad!!

Mister Dan is ready for the weekend, I think. He's going to go shower now because it was vacation week and he smells like pond.

Oh, I Guess Someone Fancies Themselves a Film Historian Now...

Actual, un-made-up conversation drifting down the hall:

My sixteen year old brother, B: Is this a Harold Lloyd film?
My dad: Yeah.
B: Huh, I thought he only did silent movies. I didn't realize he did talkies, too. Interesting.

Dude, whatever. You're not impressing anybody. If you need me, I'll be in my room reading James Fenimore Cooper and remembering that time you thought Led Zeppelin was the name of a country singer.

Screw Earth Day.

Up yours, Mother Nature.

Earth Day, huh? My first acquaintance with Earth Day was when Shaq wished me a happy Earth Day in the March 1995 issue of Disney Adventures. I distinctly remember an eight year old (eight and three quarters!) me scoffing at the dorkiness of the name, and I was a dork. In fact, some say I still got it.

Speaking of which, I can't believe I found this photo! Thank you, eBay.

Anyway, why should you get a special day, Nature? Seriously. You don't even call it Nature Day. Giving your crappy observance the "Earth" moniker is a complete misappropriation; Earth Day should be the worldwide international equivalent of, say, the 4th of July (America Day!). No, you don't fool us. Earth Day is really the Everybody Feel Bad That We're Not Really Taking Great Care Of Our Environment Day, even though it's mostly the big industries and transportation businesses that are screwing it up for us.

Also, the very idea of an "Earth Day" is insulting, Mama N. We have to put up with your shit every single day, all year round. The weather has straight up sucked everywhere I've gone for the better part of the last six months. Did you ever consider that if you didn't bring the Cold Crappy Winter of Death to New England every year, we might pollute less by taking less last-minute flights to Florida? Have you stopped to consider that many of our reasons for burning fossil fuels are related to how hot and cold we are all the time? Burning up oil seems kind of appropriate when you think about it that way.

Carrying on, let's not mince words. Recycling is a bitch. Hey readers, cut it out, you were all thinking it. Yeah, when you're a kid it's like free money, cause you didn't buy the 72 cans of Dr. Shaws and the seventeen bottles of Hawaiian Punch in the first place, but you offered to return the recyclables cause you could get enough money to play Pacman maybe like once or something. Now? Recycling is just annoying. We have to wash everything out before placing it in a seperate bin (because of ants, thanks Nature) and then cart it off to a usually seperate facility where they ask us to further sort it by size (wtf?) and type. Generally speaking, at least 30% of your cans and bottles will not be returnable because of a dent or something, and the machine will usually read "FULL" after two deposits, sending you scrambling for a customer service rep who doesn't exist.

Finally, if you (Mother Nature) resist everything else I've said, let this be my one sticking point: Live Earth was terrible. No one cared about any of the concerts or many of the artists. You couldn't even get U2 to come out for this one, and they protest everything. We had to suffer through hearing Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday explain to us why carpooling is a great idea before flying to their next shows. You should've just had The Police play for three hours, Rosario Dawson tell a joke, and Petra Nemcova walk across the stage, and then call it a day at that.

So eat my shorts, Nature. I threw a beer can on the ground last week so I wouldn't get caught drinking in public, and I'm not sorry. How d'ya like them (pesticide-free) apples?
A "FOR SERIOUS" EARTH DAY TIP: Coffee grindings mixed with dirt makes for excellent potting soil. You're welcome.

Comeback of the Year Candidate #1

Occasion: April Vacation Station
Time: Wednesday, 1:02pm
Witnesses: 27 students, two co-workers

Me: "That's crazy talk. You're full of garbage."
Saucy 1st grader: "Your PANTS are full of garbage!"

[Exit stage left to a juvenile chorus of "ohhhh!'s]

Rollin' in the Ca$h

Just a quick shoutout to the Feds for hooking me up with my $21 federal tax return today, yo. If you'd like to reach me, I'll be throwing 21 one dollar bills in the air like confetti while laughing maniacally.

This could either pay for enough beer to pregame for two weekend nights, or I could send it off to my financial aid rep as most of my 2009 FAFSA Expected Family Contribution (a whopping twenty seven bucks). But why bother with that crap when I could just make it rain at Dave and Buster's?

I'm seriously debating rolling out in my mom's minivan right the hell now and hitting up the town. The other posers in town keep spitting hate at my baller ways, but they just frontin'. No one on the corner got swagger like Dan. Ladies, you know how to reach me. Peace.

50¢ Iced Coffee Day Tomorrow!

If you've been reading this blog, you may have noticed that I love me some coffee.

I don't usually go for publicizing a private company's promotion, and I have no financial stake in Dunkin' Donuts (because I used up all my gift cards). That said, Dunkin' Donuts' 50¢ Iced Coffee Day is totally worth hollering about.

I think the event is getting less publicity than last year's Iced Coffee Day because the coffee is no longer free. Unlike last year, however, at least a portion of the proceeds (100% at my local shop) are going toward Homes For Our Troops, an organization dedicated to building accessible homes for returning wounded servicemen at no cost to them. You can see some of the great work the charity has been doing on their website. I think it's truly a cause that was needed and is well worth supporting.

In a year where the falling economy has caused charity donations to shrivel up, I think it's a great idea to contribute even part of the proceeds of something thousands of Americans are going to be buying anyway.

Do yourself a solid and grab a 50¢ iced coffee tomorrow.

"What? Pirates? Yeah, shoot 'em in the face."

I really, really wanted to do a post ripping the pirates a new one (Somalian, not Pittsburgh), but as I feared, John Stewart did a much better job summing up the situation than I would have.



To that, I would like to add: USA! USA!