Clips from my application essay that didn't survive the final edit

Selected highlights that were cut from my application essay to one area grad school:

"The informative, colorful brochure you mailed me almost makes me forget that when I visited as a high school student, your admissions office called us a bunch of 'yahoos'."

"I, too, want to be elitist."

"I am requesting financial aid due to family hardship, such as the lingering ramifications of the Potato Famine. Also, my brother is ugly."

"[Severe, shameless name-dropping illustrating my connection to the school, their employees, and alumni]"

"I still like your school despite your hockey rivalry with my alma mater. Please disregard any fan section signs I may or may not have supported that declared your school's love for Cox (Communications)."

"I can wiggle my ears and sing a full voice high C. Maybe even at the same time."

"The girls on your campus are, like, smokin' hot. They're stone cold foxes. They'd give a dog a bone. Please take me, I'm pretty much begging now."

"I don't need you guys anyway."