An Open Letter to the German Chap with the Same Stage Name as My Collegiate A Cappella Group

Lieber Herr,

Guten tag, amigo. I could not help but notice today that when I went to listen to the sweet, sweet sounds of my a cappella group's forthcoming album, our last.fm page came up a bit different than it usually does. Apparently, you have decided to call your latest musical enterprise by the same moniker that my group has been using since 1997. I would find this humorous had you not changed our profile picture from a hilariously awkward performance photo to your all grey, boring as all hell "live programm 2009" flyer.

I surf on over to your conviniently linked user profile to judge you on your musical taste. Surprisingly, our musical compatibility is rated as "very high". This could be because we are both spending a lot of time listening to an artist with a name that my friends and I were using first. I see that you joined the community a full three days ago (clearly making you among the old guard) but already have your myspace link pimped so millions of our a cappella fans can be mislead--thereby becoming unwitting traffic to your page.

Listen up, douchebag. My grandfather did not kick the Nazis out of your country for you to be stepping on my turf online 55 years later. For you to just jump on in like you own the place, changing the clearly maintained artist page so as to fit you and not the existing, established artist with a listening history that goes back years, is quite frankly irritating. I'd publicly humiliate you but I neither speak German nor have the means to get to Germany. That said, I still think you're a butt nugget and if you ever come to America I will introduce you to the flying elbow.

P.S. - I listened to your music, on the off chance that you had more talent than we do. You don't. Your song is brilliantly mediocre and I've already forgotten it. I enjoy Krautrock, but yours is more like Krautblah. Your guitar player should learn the difference between playing and just letting the sustain make the noise for him. Your lyrics are dodgy, but I note your brave attempt at singing in English. Way to pander to the bigger market there. It's probably all for naught though; your song is completely indistinguishable from 95% of the other dreck that has flooded the online music community. If you are sincere in your feelings for the girl you are singing for, you'd do better to not play your song for her. Just saying.