A Eulogy for A Beard

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to remember a great moment in the history of [blogger's name removed] and his often misguided attempts at facial hair. The rumors are true. His beard is no longer with us. It is no more. It hath ceased to be. It has gone to that great barber shop dust pan in the sky.

It's uh... it's gone, I think is what we're trying to say here.

We shall always remember its dubious beginnings. There was a period in late November when the question was often asked, "Are you growing a beard or are you just lazy?" The answer was clear--namely, "Wait, I can't have it both ways?" The genesis of the beard was wrought by the wise judges in the kindergarten class where the beard and beardholder worked, for it happened that one fateful day the soon-to-be beardgrower was itching his face and put his grooming future to a vote: "Shave tonight?" or "Hilarious beard?" The vote was surprisingly unanimous, and the Hilarious Beard (™, © 2008) was born.

Among many, many other facial hair failures, including ill-advised shots at bearded excellence with a No-Shave November in 2006 and the goatee that wouldn't connect (resulting in a North Goatee/South Goatee conflict of ideology and facial real estate) in 2005, this latest adventure in beardland met with some success. For that, we shall evermore be grateful.

Although the beardfarmer's own opinion of the beard was a bit more ambiguous ("yeah, I know it looks terrible, but I'm bored, and I needed something to root for"), the general opinion of the beard was, at first, surprisingly positive. "You look almost 19," cried one enthusiastic viewer to the 22-year-old. Others mentioned that he was part of a recession beard movement, which reflected positively on the bearded one's trendiness. The general impression was "creepy, but in a good way!"

The beard did not age well, however, for while many men commented on it's impressive fullness and character (like an import beer), it was starting to scare the students ("you look like a dirty hobo!"). Finally, late last Tuesday, the beard went to meet, er... part from its maker. It was with a heavy heart, as well as an intrepid razor and much chafage, that the former beardfacilitator bid his artistic masterpiece adieu.

Today, ladies and gentleman, I implore you: as we enter a brave new age of smoother skin and less dirty looks from female bar patrons, let us be cognizant of the discussion fodder the beard alloted us, as well as the great memories (and laugher?) it provided. Though many doubted its potential or its attractiveness (yours truly definitely, definitely included), the beard persevered and perhaps was the feel-good story of the year. Actually that's probably overstating it. The beard was okay, as beards go. We've spent too much time discussing this. Good day friends, and go in peace.

In Memoriam
DF's Hilarious Beard
November 2008-February 2009
"Eh... I've seen worse."