Facebook According to DF, Part 1

A Practical Guide to Looking Cool on Facebook

Since Facebook's arrival on the college scene over five years ago, the network has become a petri dish where social conventions, expectations, and etiquette are produced and refined. This is a half-assed attempt at saying, very smartsoundingly, that there are a ton of unspoken rules and behaviors that are followed for fear of appearing uncool. If this is the first time you've heard of this phenomenon, I apologize. We've been making fun of you for years.

Popularity is measured in several ways. The amount of friends, or "friends", one has can often be an indicator of success or neediness. If you are unsure about what your number of "friends" says about you, consult the handy chart below:

0-20 "friends": You never go online and you're related to half of your friends list. The rest are co-workers and that one friend who moved out west.
21-50 "friends": Too cool for Facebook. You wouldn't have a profile but "a friend signed you up and you never check it". Sure.
51-100 "friends": You only add people that are actually your friends. Congratulations. In the real world, this is admirable.
101-200 "friends": You add anyone you hang out with.
201-500 "friends": You add classmates as well as friends.
501-1000 "friends": You add old high school and/or college classmates as well. Hey! We weren't really friends back then, but let's add each other now and then not contact each other again!
1001+ "friends": Your definition of friends is anyone you've ever heard of, and anyone your friends have ever heard of, plus their friends too. Go outside once in a while.
2000+ "friends": Get help. It is physically impossible to know this many people on even a casual level, and you're not fooling anyone. You appear horrifically desperate and probably cry yourself to sleep every night.

"But wait," you cry, "I hardly ever add anyone. I just accept most friend requests!" That's fair enough, but it doesn't matter. The world assumes that you personally chose to add each friend, and doesn't take into account things like friendliness or pity. To help boost your list of friends, Facebook has provided the "People You May Know" tool. On the usefulness scale, this rates just above the "Invite Your Friends to Join Facebook" option (even Tibetan monks have heard of Facebook by now). If these two generally useless tools are any indication, Facebook will not stop until all users are "friends" with everyone. Hands across the water, really. Of course, these are also the same people that brought you the "poke" option and think you're interested in spending a dollar for a Facebook "gift".

A similar indicator of success is your "Photos Tagged Of You" count. Although it should go without saying, given that most people look the same every day, an amount of two thousand plus photos is really unnecessary. Wall posts do not follow this logic however; the more, the merrier. Anyone displaying a high level of received wall posts but hardly any actual activity on Facebook is considered mysterious and uber cool. At least in their own minds, which I've learned is all that counts.

Status updates have found mainstream acceptance recently, and function somewhat as a middle ground between Twitter and an away message. If you update your status more than three or four times in a given day, you're probably neglecting something in your life.

Facebook notes are irrelevant to your quest to appear popular. Simply ignore them. Anyone who thinks that the world would be very interested in reading what he writes online is clearly deceiving himself.